Dear Governor DeSantis,
I write to you as a concerned Floridian hoping to rid my state of the misdeeds of ongoing communist takeover. I wish to tell my story in order to warn of the liberal indoctrination that has consumed my life.
Amidst a family outing with my husband and son, I found myself coming to one gradual realization: DisneyWorld was turning me gay.
Strolling through the streets of Downtown Disney, I couldn’t help but become more and more attracted to women. With each passing moment, the company’s wishy-washy activism seeped into my stubbornly straight sexuality, modifying my genetic code and thus forcing me to become a lesbian. Entranced, I added Clairo songs to my playlist, subscribed to Co-star, and cut my fingernails shorter. I am now a vapid shell of my former self.
But who can blame me? Woke and corporation are two words that go hand in hand; DisneyWorld encapsulates the modern-day leftist agenda. The park lives and breathes a “say gay” mentality. Upon reaching the infamous castle, I had to shield my son’s eyes from the structure’s phallic towers and pillars. Throughout our visit, I could not go five seconds without running into Ursula the drag queen, or Peter Pan the twink—don’t get me started on that furry takeover known as the “animal kingdom.” Oh, and it’s definitely not us conservatives making something out of nothing and actively sexualizing entertainment for children. These anamorphic cartoon beings are undoubtedly intensely provocative characters.
Governor, I hope for you to implement ‘negative indecision’—the opposite of affirmative action—in order to bring Disney back to the company it once was. One focused on family values and patriotic ideals. One that champions the country it was founded on. Timeless masterpieces such as Song of the South and Fantasia do just that, as they accurately portray the universal American experience in its great entirety. Back then, Disney made movies about typical American people, that defined the time period it was released in. Now, I can’t get through a Pixar film without a non speaking background character vaguely coded as bisexual popping up every few minutes and killing the mood. Far too radical for me!
Even more, the company purposefully ignores the ‘America first’ philosophy us conservatives so proudly herald. In order to manufacture toys and merchandise, Disney utilizes the labor of citizens abroad and thus provides endless opportunities for foreign workers to climb the socioeconomic ladder. Rather than stimulate the economy of its homeland, the company distributes ethical jobs that benefit these exotic countries and their people. Sometimes, they permit workers to work overtime, letting them cultivate experience, and most importantly, work ethic. Who knows where the mouse’s loyalty lies? First the gays, and now the alien?
Clearly, Disney must be booted out of Florida—and hopefully later the country—as otherwise we will all be victims of the gayest place on earth.
Thank you for your attention,
Rational Reactionist
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.