You Want to Get Lit Bro?

By Hanna Yamato

“2.5 million adults who were nonsmokers died because they breathed secondhand smoke,” reports the CDC (Center of Disease Control and Prevention). Unfortunately, non-smokers who are exposed to secondhand smoke can experience a plethora of negative health issues—specifically lung cancer, respiratory infections, cardiovascular disease, and even stroke. Additionally, children and newborns who are exposed to this toxicity can suffer from multiple infections, colds, delayed lung development, and even SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Sadly, in current society, secondhand smoking is inexorable—therefore, smoking should be allowed for everyone, regardless of age.

With both heart disease and cancer placing on the top tier for the causes of death in the United States, it is quite obvious that cancer is inevitable, and everyone will get it anyways. People should have the choice and freedom to experience the pleasure of smoking while life lasts, because everyone will die from cancer nonetheless.

Cigarettes contain a very effective and nourishing drug called nicotine. This chemical, categorized as a depressant, induces a calming effect, where it makes the smoker feel relaxed for certain amounts of time. This is not only effective in reducing anxiety and stress, but also further reassures all smokers because we already know that we will die from cancer. Since people will know their cause of death, no one will have to feel the additional uncertainties surrounding how they will die. This could be so beneficial that we can even stop the production of anti-anxiety medications and turn that money over to cigarette production. In other words, cigarettes serve as a dual purpose of stimulating tranquility and allowing everyone to live with peace in already knowing their cause of death. Spectacular, right?!

Moreover, we cannot forget about how much the increased consumer purchases of cigarettes will significantly boost our economy and further enhance the overall contentment of society. If everyone was permitted to smoke, more and more money would go toward the tobacco industry, bringing a huge profit to our nation. Patriotism at its finest! With the booming tobacco industry, this would mean increased productivity, and would alleviate the rates of national unemployment. With an increased number of job opportunities, less people would be homeless, and they would have a stable income to support themselves and their families all while being dedicated smokers and showing loyalty to our nation. Now isn’t that even more spectacular?!

If everyone made the wonderful and incredibly brilliant decision to smoke, our country is in for a real treat. Secondhand smoking will no longer be an issue, and we can thank big tobacco companies like Altria, Philip Morris International, and Imperial Brands for doing everyone a huge favor in making people less petrified of death and allowing them to experience the enjoyment of nicotine. Life is too short to be unhappy—so when tough times come, have a break, and have a cigarette. When the day comes where everyone is allowed to smoke, everybody would be at peace once and for all. Oh what a spectacular day that would be!

*Disclaimer: This story takes place where COVID is in the past; therefore, no masks are worn. That is why people are further exposed to smoke.*