An Uncooked Turkey… or a Cat?

By Claire DaQuino

Hairless cats. What a concept! Everyone must begin breeding cats that resemble slimy, de-skinned grapes, when perfectly healthy, furry cats are available for adoption at shelters. I cannot think of a single person who would not choose the expensive, unnatural, bald cat. Imagine cuddling up with a miniature, purring Dobby! Fun! 

Ever seen a hairless cat outside? I didn’t think so. These wrinkly creatures lack even the basic skill of warming their own bodies. What a concept! An animal that cannot protect itself against weather. Humans, also a comparatively wimpy species, must wear clothes and sunscreen to protect themselves from natural elements. Likewise, hairless cats require sweaters to merely tolerate air conditioning. No wonder Dobby needed that sock so desperately… he was freezing! Not only do these cats fail to tolerate the cold, but they also cannot face the sun. Lacking pigmentation and fur, hairless cats are prone to sunburns. Alas, keep your bald little creatures indoors, but be sure to keep your house warm and your blinds closed.

Let’s free all the naked cats into the wild and see if they survive the elements. Surely, they will thrive while shivering and sunburned. Weak, horrifying, and unable to exist outdoors, hairless cats should continue to be bred for your enjoyment!

Now, you may complain you “need a hairless cat because you’re allergic to cats.” Hmm, maybe don’t get a cat if you’re allergic to cats… get a fish, or a gerbil! What a concept!

On the other hand, some truly genius fellows may choose to purchase a $5000 hairless cat to flaunt their societal status. Owners of these creatures effectively showcase their brilliance, as purchasing an animal with an intolerance to weather remains the perfect convenience to the life of the owner and the cat. In contrast, purchasing a bald raisin because you enjoy the sight of the thing proves a wise use of months worth of rent money. Owning a hairless cat requires a roof, as they cannot come into contact with the sun or the snow. Thus, by the utter purchase of this animal, you are already risking both of your livelihoods. If only there was a solution to the outrageous price of these cats! Oh my, I just remembered furry cats exist and they only cost $200! What a concept! An affordable cat… with hair!

I cannot wait to someday spend thousands of dollars on a cat that resembles an uncooked turkey. Thus, let’s all continue to breed unnatural animals! French bulldogs definitely do not have curved spines and pugs can definitely breathe and hairless cats definitely are not terrifying. Plenty of animals are in need of homes, so continually breeding these animals surely proves humane and necessary!