The Devil Wears N95

By Will Caraccio

History, ancient and eternal, offers to those willing to listen many invaluable kernels of truth. Oftentimes the ragged pages of the past, carrying in them the forgotten lessons of a distant time, gently whisper to us the tidings of the future. While many ignorantly neglect the wisdom of history, I have listened to its dusty voice; I have heard the muffled mutterings of the past, and have turned my ears to the knowledge of my predecessors–I have become enlightened. Through my tireless studying, collating and quantifying the thousands of historical trends that have coalesced to form the present, I have identified the single greatest threat to the survival of humanity in the modern era: its name is not COVID-19, it’s Nancy Pelosi. 

Every generation, irrespective of time period, has had to endure a monumental struggle. In the textbook of human civilization, this foundational truth is the recurring theme. From the devastation of the Black Plague to the relentless bloodlet of both World Wars, humanity has engaged in a vicious battle with Murphy’s dismal law–a battle which still rages on. While the sensationalist media single-mindedly fixates on the mere millions dying due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the ignorant masses ignore the true assault on human life and liberty–the fascism of the Democratic Party. As CNN–the dictatorial left’s propaganda machine rivalling the likes of Stalin’s Pravda–covers the inconsequential shortage of ventilators and hospital beds across American hospitals, they work tirelessly to conceal the greater issue of lasting brain damage caused by oxygen-depriving surgical masks that Democrats have forced upon us (honorable QAnon-ees everywhere have vehemently protested that they don’t have brain power to spare!). While the left has turned Americans’ attention to the 525,000 deaths caused by COVID-19 (a puny number accounting for less than 1% of the population), they overlook the devastating socio-economic impacts that totalitarian Democrat supremacy has inflicted; already, the mandatory mask policy has caused irreversible damage to the mustache industry. 

Our nation’s misguided and illogical priorities have forced the spotlight on a mostly harmless disease while millions suffer from the consequences of unbridled fascism in the United States. But all is not yet lost. For even in the darkest of nights, the sun will eventually break, illuminating our ignorance with the radiance of truth and enlightenment. As humanity inches closer to certain demise at the hand of liberals, dawn has finally broken with the birth of a new idea that will save our species: The Anti-Mask Movement. Though their numbers are few, these silent protectors, these valiant protagonists in the war for human rights, stand apart from the brainless masses–that is, until you announce social distancing guidelines. Then, in an act of moral disobedience resembling the bravery of Henry David Thoreau, they make a point to promptly move back into the masses, proudly exercising their uncovered mouths with unintelligible, spittle-y cries of patriotism and honor. 

In the course of history, these valiant heroes have no rival in terms of unqualified bravery and moral standing. However, as the anti-maskers take a courageous stand against the oppressive Democrats, one cannot help but equate them with a similarly valorous campaign against nefarious evil: the Maquisards of the French Resistance, who fought for freedom against the Nazis in World War II. Viewed side by side, the resemblance is uncanny. In the 1940s, during the German occupation of France, the Maquisards put their lives on the line to combat Nazism; today, the Anti-Maskers put lives on the line (not always their own) to battle the modern equivalent. When a tyrannical Starbucks employee enforces the “masks-on” policy, the anti-maskers remain bare-faced, protecting the sacrosanct right to breath. When a senile old woman has the audacity to stand 6-feet away from other customers “for fear of her life,” the anti-maskers stand wherever they please, asserting the fundamental truth that nothing is more important than personal freedom. And when a rigged election appoints a delusional mask-wearer to the White House, the Anti-Maskers raid the Capitol, channeling the unyielding Maquisards in their pursuit of justice and democracy.