By Rosie Lu
TikTok tells women to stay away from men who earn less than them. Men are told that they can’t land a date until they make six figures. Undoubtedly, the internet presents money as a primary factor in attraction—so much so that the younger generation feels pressured to sport unrealistically expensive luxury brands and fake financial success, in order to leave a good impression on prospective partners. Just take the ultra-viral “Man In Finance,” a perfect satire of those very standards.
Social media is right about one thing for certain: the debate on money in modern dating is absolutely one worth having. 40% of divorced couples attribute their incompatibility to money problems, with most wishing they had set clear expectations and boundaries earlier on.
With the traditional route, society considers men as the breadwinner—funding shopping sprees and paying for every dinner, while women resort to domestic labor. Concerningly enough, many liberal female conversations on dating and conservative male groups both seem to favor this paternalistic view. They could argue that paying for one’s partner is just a simple gesture of love or even a basic standard in a relationship, but it’s really just outdated gender roles reframed in the rosy glow of romantic affection.
Regardless of gender, the role of a provider can encapsulate so much more than sharing a paycheck. Making money is linear, and almost metaphorically easy in some way: put in time and effort, and revenue will come back out. It’s about being a shoulder to cry on, carrying each other’s burdens, remembering that one little thing that no one ever cared about until now—providing in the unique way that only a partner can. A relationship built on attraction to money is a castle built on a mountain of sand.
As much as money is misused to attract prospects, it just as easily translates into power. When one person controls all the finances, the other quickly becomes dependent. Gone unchecked, that imbalance often escalates into financial abuse, which plays a role in 99% of domestic abuse cases. Thus, regardless of whether one person’s earnings exceed the other’s significantly, maintaining an independent source of income, setting up an emergency fund, and self-managing funds is an important step in preparing for a relationship.
Money should only be used to evaluate lifestyle compatibility—not the amount of money, but the way the money is used. Someone who consistently budgets, saves, and doesn’t spend their whole paycheck gambling every weekend likely has a stable outlook on life and is more ready for a relationship. Equally important are similarities in spending habits—splurging on food might be acceptable if both partners are foodies, and subscribing to a gym membership together can develop a shared interest in fitness. But if one person would rather spend extra money on travel while the other prioritizes saving up for a house, maybe it’s a good chance to reevaluate if the two different goals can align.
If two people wish to form a true connection, it won’t really matter whether the first date is a fancy candlelit dinner on the man or a warm cup of coffee and a stroll in the park. Split the bill two ways, or alternate paying, but just remember it’s about the little things: bringing their favorite flowers, remembering their random preferences, making an extra cookie or two… But hey, a nice view is always free, isn’t it?