As someone who dealt with a breakup, I wanted to do anything to escape the discomfort I was sitting with the first few weeks afterwards.
Late at night, I laid in my bed and scrolled on YouTube. I’d already been dealing with a lot and had no idea how I should be feeling—how I should let myself heal, if I would feel like this forever, or if I was too tired to care anymore. Then, miraculously, I came across a video: “i had to start over after my first breakup… here’s what nobody tells you.” by Alessya Farrugia (let me tell you, that video just about changed my life). Farrugia broke her journey down into 5 interchangeable stages, so let’s break them down together too and use my journey as examples.
The first stage is the emotional flood and identity crisis. My identity is strong and I knew some things about dating, but my ex had been in a relationship before and knew things I didn’t. I didn’t want to accept that I had to break up with him because, at my core, I craved a presence that platonic relationships couldn’t give me. It’s possible to move on, of course, but impossible to move on fast. If you truly loved your partner, then healing doesn’t take just a few days; healing could take 3 weeks, 3 months, or even longer.
The second stage is no contact and self-respect. Breakups are painful—no matter the circumstances—and it’s going to hurt. One of my best friends, Daria Egorova, received never-ending rants about how I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong and how upset I was at him, but it wasn’t about me. At all. The perfect relationship definitely does not have zero problems—problems are inevitable and it’s healthy to disagree. But it’s essential to remember that you should respect yourself enough to know when you should leave. I, unfortunately, let my ex get away with many things because I cared about him and accepted his behavior as a result of his mental health. But it finally got to a breaking point, and I knew breaking up was best.
The third stage is romanticizing and delusion. My breakup was surprisingly calm, though we had had an explosive confrontation online, and I got the closure I desperately needed. I look back on old messages I screenshotted sometimes, or photos I haven’t deleted yet, and I get sad all over again because he was a good boyfriend until he wasn’t. Towards the end, we both wanted things the other couldn’t provide. Even though that chapter of my life is closed, my brain couldn’t comprehend everything that was happening, because it was rapid-fire.
The fourth stage is anger and clarity. I stopped looking back and reminiscing about someone no longer in my life with nostalgia; I started getting mad. I was angry with myself at how I accepted disrespect and at him for doing everything in the first place. Realizing I wasn’t a hindrance when I offered my support, care, and attention helped me a lot. I can’t control what my ex does, and I don’t want to.
Finally, the fifth stage, the sweet relief: rebuilding and choosing yourself. Some relationships last for a few months, serving as lessons; others, years, as gifts. At the time, the right person for me was my ex, but he isn’t anymore. “High school and teenage years should be fun,” my dad always claims. People are constantly growing and changing, and so are you. In short, not abandoning yourself for the sake of a relationship will always be the right thing to do, and that’s my lesson. Give yourself time. Ultimately, if I can live through this, you can too.