By Wesley Adams
I’m about to tell you something no one wants you to know. They try to tell us that “Flying an airplane is hard” and “you need vigorous training, schooling, and time” to become a pilot, but that’s just what they want you to think. You see, if anyone can just learn how an airplane works, then what’s to stop your average adventurer from driving to the airport and taking themselves wherever they want?
Of course, that isn’t the only reason they try to keep this from you. You see, on July 2, 1939, exactly two years after Amelia Earhart went missing, they stopped searching for her, and the big ol’ Franklin D. decided a change was needed, stating: “I can no longer, in good conscience, allow just anyone to go out and fly a plane. Soaring towards the gates of heaven is against God. Icarus was punished, the Tower of Babel’s attempted construction resulted in the entire world being punished, and now Mrs. Earhart, too, has been struck down for turning against our lord. In the Bible, Matthew states, ‘thou shalt not rise beyond earth’s clouds unless you are kissed by death, born with wings in lieu of arms, or an official FAA-trained and certified pilot.’ And because my wife, the first lady Eleanor, insists I read the bible front to back every time I seek to lay with her, I couldn’t help but stumble upon that quote, and realize that Amelia’s tragic disappearance was God’s final warning. So I, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, am making a new deal with you all today. I will still allow the American Skies to be explored by the people, but only if you are an FAA-trained and certified pilot: also, all commercial aircraft vehicles are required to fill the pilot’s cockpit with at least a couple hundred scary-looking buttons, levers, switches, knobs, dials, and screens, and when the plain lands the cockpit door must be left open for all to see. That way, whenever a family on vacation deboards the aircraft, no little rugrats get any bright ideas; you gotta scare ’em off, keep ’em from thinking they can fly a plane without God’s approval.”
Well, Franklin Delano R., you’re dead now, and I’m pretty sure the Federal Aviation Administration didn’t exist when Matthew was around, so let’s stop the lying and get to flying.
Step 1:
Find yourself a plane, doesn’t matter where, planes are like Lime Scooters, anyone can get in and use one.
Step 2:
Found one? Good. Get inside, then turn towards the nose of the plane, and you should find a door, that’s the cockpit. Open the door and enter, (PRO TIP: most cockpits have two chairs, the one on the right is for the passenger princess, bring one so that you can have someone on aux.)
Once you and your Co-pilot are seated, you’ll need to turn the plane on (co-pilots don’t actually pilot the plane, it’s just an honorary title, like The Queen of England #neverforget). To turn the plane on, simply find the intercom system (should look like a phone, microphone, or labeled button), activate the intercom, and then give the command “Computer, turn this thing on.” If the plane is new enough, then that should work; if not, find the iPad.
Turn the iPad on, and say, “Hey Siri Computer, turn this thing on,” and just like that, the plane should now begin humming, buzzing, clicking, and beeping. These are the sounds of the plane waking up.
Step 3:
Let’s get this show off the road! We now need to make the plane start barreling down the runway until it’s moving fast enough to take off. To do this, step on the gas pedal.
Hold that thang down, continue to hold, then, once you start rolling we gotta add the jets to the party. The jet activation is different from plane to plane, so just look around and press stuff until you hear the jets start going, then speed down the runway until your gut tells you you’re going fast enough, at that moment you need to pull the steering wheel down towards your legs with all your force until you start lifting off Now, make sure you steady out the wheel to make sure you’re going up diagonally and not straight up, we don’t want the plane to fall on its back. Once you’re high in the sky, you may take your foot off the pedal and flick the switch that folds the plane’s wheels back into itself, then congrats! You’re flying!
Step 4:
Your only job now is to make sure you stay steady, don’t crash into any other planes, don’t accidentally enter space, and also, in case of any turbulence, make sure both you and your co-pilot have airplane mode on, and if there are any other passengers, make sure they have it on too (I hope your co-pilot has some songs downloaded!) Then rinse and repeat until you’re at your destination.
Step 5:
So you’re done flying, huh? Alright, time to land. Find yourself an airport runway: make sure you’re far enough away from the runway to gradually lower onto it, double check the plane is parallel with the runway, and then slowly tilt the steering wheel up towards the roof, and lower yourself down slowly—but surely. Make sure you flick that wheel switch from earlier to pop the tires back out, then continue gradually going lower and lower until- brace for impact—You did it!! Turn the plane off the same way you turned it on, and then you’re golden! Pat yourself on the back and make your way out of the vehicle.
