By Sophie Tuan
Too often I’ve found myself or heard my friends say “sorry” when it wasn’t needed. The word is often added after asking a question, sharing emotions, speaking up, or simply taking up space. Although it feels polite, too soon, saying sorry becomes an automatic default rather than a meaningful apology. But why is over-apologizing a bad thing?
People often overuse “sorry” in order to sound softer and make the people around them more comfortable. A quick “sorry” might make you sound more agreeable or soothe your fear of rejection by taking the blame for it first. However, once frequently apologizing for things beyond your control becomes a habit, it internalizes the fear of being a burden. Over time, taking responsibility for small inconveniences or expressing yourself actually undermines self-confidence which re-enforces the cycle of over-apologizing because you’ve internalized that your voice isn’t deserving of being heard. Sometimes, anxiety over how other people might react—especially if they might get upset—causes people to almost compulsively say sorry, as a way to prevent an outburst. “Sorry” becomes a way to defuse the tension or avoid uncomfortable moments, but it leads to unnecessary guilt and learned self-blame. The way a person communicates with others, including overapologizing, can actually reveal your self-worth, confidence, and levels of anxiety.
After a while, saying sorry all the time feels second nature, and it can be hard to stop even once you realize you’re an overapologizer. First, awareness, although it won’t cure word vomit, is an important step towards breaking the cycle and regaining self-confidence. This way, you can be alert and try to intercept any loose “sorry”s that might slip out. Additionally, pausing to create an intentional response can help stop the automatic apologizing reflex. By refraining from saying sorry when unnecessary, your responses actually feel, not only more confident, but also more heartfelt since it’s no longer a default phrase, but a personal answer. Take the time to really articulate what it is you’re trying to say; don’t just use “sorry” as a blanket statement. Instead, focus on trying to practice clear communication where you can express yourself and acknowledge others’ feelings without minimizing your own.
Remember, the more you say sorry the less it actually means when you actually make a mistake. Overapologizing plagues young people as we are afraid of rocking the boat too much or because it’s hard to properly articulate what we feel. But, saying “sorry” all the time and undermining your own sense of self actually makes these fears worse and reinforces them. So, stop saying sorry!
Source: https://www.cityscapecounseling.com/post/why-do-i-say-sorry/