By Sophie Tuan
*The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.*
In the era of TikTok, Instagram, Youtube and Snapchat it is no wonder that Gen Z has grown lazy and stagnant—scrolling on their phones from dawn to dusk as the world passes them by. Yet, in the era of peak inefficiency and useless distractions, Gen Z students find themselves struggling against the toughest of competitors to win the race of college admission. The solution to becoming the best of the best (or at the very least above average) is to rid oneself of needless distractions: sleep, time with friends, family, meaningless hobbies, joy, etc. By removing distractions and unnecessary leisurely activities, it becomes quite simple to achieve greatness. Due to the desperate need for college guidance, I have skillfully crafted a most realistic and simplistic guide to aid students in their academic and extracurricular endeavors as they prepare for college applications.
Academics:
According to the College Board, there are a total of 40 AP classes available to high school students. However, studies have shown that the average Gen Z student only takes 5-8 during their entire high school career. It is my strongest recommendation that students take at least 25 AP classes to be considered somewhat competitive. Students should look to enroll in 3-4 different high schools (preferably in the same district)—two at the very least—in order to accomplish this basic academic achievement. At each school, it is heavily advised that students take 4-5 AP courses per year starting as a sophomore, in order to minimize academic burnout and keep the GPA at a realistic 4.00 unweighted and 4.9, minimum, weighted. This way of schooling helps lighten and spread the workload as 4 APs per high school enrolled will result in roughly 12 advanced courses a year: a realistic and manageable course load for the average sixteen-year-old. Thus, if following the guidelines correctly, a competitive college applicant will have taken anywhere from 36 to all 40 of the available AP courses. It is hoped that a minimum grade of 94% be reached in all classes and a minimum score of a 5 be achieved on most, if not all, AP exams.
In addition to excellent grades, a student must require an impressive SAT and/or ACT score. To ensure acceptable testing scores, it is recommended that students start to prepare, at the very latest, by the fifth grade if planning on taking the SAT/ACT during their junior year of high school. Below, I have arranged scores in the acceptable range.
SAT:
Below 1400 – not applicable to college admissions
1410-1500 – average score (should invest in at least one retake)
1510-1540- above average
1550-1580 – somewhat competitive (all students should aim for this range)
1590-1600 – competitive
ACT:
Below 23 – not applicable to college admissions
24- 29 – average
30-34 – somewhat competitive
35-36- competitive
Extracurricular Activities
Instead of sleeping 6-8 hours a night and taking part in rudimentary social gatherings, students must eliminate these inefficiencies and put all remaining leisure time into strong extracurricular activities. To help achieve minimal distractions and disruptions, it is my recommendation that students drink 5-8 energy drinks per day in order to minimize the need for sleep to a mere and sufficient 1-2 hours a day. In addition, it is of utmost importance to cut out social interactions that may distract students from achieving absolute success in their activities of choice. Thus, it is prescribed that each student be permitted 40 words each day of leisurely communication with their families and friends as to maintain positive mental health and deep-rooted relationships. In order to be competitive, students must achieve the highest level of success in whatever non-academic-related activity they choose to delve into. Below is a curated list of possible and acceptable extracurriculars.
Below average – any state/regional award (debate, sports, music/arts)
Average – nationally ranked awards, any published pieces, copyrighted patents (inventions, sports, businesses, novels)
Competitive – Olympic medals (gold only), Nobel Prize(s), curing cancer, solving world hunger
If all recommendations are dutifully fulfilled, there is a likely chance of admission to college. As long as students remember to eliminate distractions, work diligently, and do all things purposefully, this guide provides a realistic road to enjoying high school life while also being a competitive college applicant. Best of luck Gen Zers!