Adorned in his black cape, with the wind heroically hitting him at the perfect angle, lights from the city illuminating his post atop one of his many private skyscrapers lurks Batman—AKA Bruce Wayne—AKA best superhero of all time.
We all know the only solution to crime is the unbeatable combination of extreme wealth, unresolved trauma, and cosplay. No man better suits these crucial requirements than Gotham’s brooding billionaire with a penchant for batsuits: Batman.
Engaging in the same nighttime combat with homicidal clowns as he has for years, Batman truly showcases his dedication to Gotham, tirelessly attempting to recapture the same villains every night and put them back into the world’s most secure institution: Arkham Asylum. After all, it is far more efficient to individually target bad guys than to use his infinite bank account to fund a systematic overhaul, fixing many of the problems that cause the crimes prevalent in Gotham.
In addition to his incredible fighting ethic, Batman embodies the entrepreneurial spirit within us all. Why invent a cure for cancer when you could perfect the shark-repellent bat spray, exploding batarangs, or a car that costs more than some countries’ GDPs? The Batmobile is proof of the importance of prioritizing style over substance. Why save millions of people when you can look fabulous while almost saving one?
And let’s not forget the costume. A bat. Literally a flying mammal. The psychological impact is unmatched. Sure, he could spend the money from his endlessly rotating nighttime uniform on life-saving technology or establishing a semi-decent public transport system, but what the people truly need is a man to step up and save the night—in proper clothing, of course. Nothing truly strikes fear into a villain’s heart like a man dressed as a nocturnal rodent who occasionally yells “I am vengeance!” It is elegant, terrifying, and completely reasonable—qualities essential for heroism.
Of course, Batman also demonstrates the incredible power of being a solo artist. Alfred, bless his soul, hardly does anything to support the hard-working man of the night. Never once does he step up as Batman’s therapist, personal doctor, tech support, or moral compass. Truly, Batman is Gotham’s sung and unsung hero—reminding us that behind every billionaire in a bat suit is no one to clean the bloodstains and provide emotional labor.
After all Batman has done for Gotham—fostering the tourism industry as more villains come to battle it out (preferably after 11:30 at night because any earlier would just be uncool)—the taxpayers have shown their appreciation by funding the police’s much-needed Bat-symbol. Nothing says civic pride like a billionaire’s fashion choices illuminated for all to see in the sky. And I’m confident that the people of Gotham rest easy knowing that if their life is threatened by one of thousands of villains running rampant around them, the police will confidently step back and call for Batman, who will undoubtedly show up ready to rumble.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.