The following piece is satirical, and not intended to serve as actual advice. Please do not follow any of the “advice” listed below literally.
Ah, yes. Depression! All of us, at one time or another, have grappled with that oily-fingered beast that whispers awful things relentlessly into your ear. That oppressive cloud that sits over your head, urging you to sleep even when you’re not physically tired. That nasty cryptid that seems to repel all personal hygiene habits like an inverted magnet, that strips your motivation to peel yourself out of bed. Worry not, dear readers, for the Depress YourselfTM method is a foolproof way to get your butt back in bed and your mood in the muck. And fret not: it’s a lot easier than you might think.
STEP ONE: Never, Ever Go Outside
In the depths of winter especially, the nice, warm indoors proves a safe haven from that hostile Californian winter (70 degrees in September?! Buckle in, the New Ice Age’s practically begun). Especially on those days when the sun is shining and UV rays are warm and inviting, I implore you: dismiss their siren’s calls. If you allow the sun to pierce your windows or—god forbid—touch your skin, your circadian rhythm may assume a normal pace. As a result, you may adopt a normal sleeping schedule and miss those ultra-productive hours between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., and even worse, wake up far earlier than 12 p.m.! No, it’s better to play it safe, and make sure not even a glimmer of sunlight reaches you in your quest to Depress YourselfTM.
STEP TWO: Keep Your Schedule So Free, You Have Nothing To Look Forward To
In your journey to becoming the most depressed person you can be, the second most pivotal step is clearing your calendar of any and all social events, commitments, plans, and responsibilities. After all, they only serve to peel you out of the comfort of your own home, and everyone knows that activity is quite the repellent to slug-like apathy. Also, if you were to upkeep social ties, you ensure that your support network is strong, and there is a higher chance that your friends will try to prevent or appease your bouts of depression. This is highly inefficient. Instead, sever yourself from as much responsibility, commitment, and community as is possible. Depression is a highly solitary practice, much like meditation. You can make so much more progress in complete and utter solitude.
STEP THREE: Ditch that Medication, Rely on Addictive Substances Instead
One of the easiest methods to becoming the shell of the person you once were: addiction. If you’re taking medication for your mood, depression, or anxiety, just stop! Pharmaceuticals are a scam, anyway. To many people, they’re like a crutch, keeping people standing upright and functional. But if you were to smack that cane away—boom! That person is now flat on the ground, again in the state that they were: complete and utterly helpless in their depression.
“But if I’m already on the floor without my medications,” some would ask, “how could I get possibly more depressed?” I’ll tell you how, sweet reader. Addiction is the gateway drug to a world that’s out of your control. You may find your addiction in cigarettes, nicotine, gambling, alcohol, illicit drugs, or even something as tame as videogames and coffee. Almost all severe addictions have considerable impacts to one’s health and wallets alike—what better way to dig oneself into a hole than that? Cigarettes, for example. Packs may not cost much individually, but as the pile of discarded cigarette butts grow in tandem with blackening lungs, the price of a long-term habit becomes clear. If you can only find happiness and fulfillment in one thing, your dependence on that thing will most likely become a debilitating crutch, necessary for you to function on a day to day basis. So if and when that crutch is taken away, depression follows in close pursuit. Bam! That’s a double whammy. No medication and a crippling financially-fatal addiction? That’s a recipe for easy-peasy depression.
MISCELLANEOUS ADVICE
There are many more techniques to achieve your ideal state of depression, but unlike the three above, outcomes vary from individual to individual. Here’s a list of different techniques you can try on your own!
- Stop taking care of your hygiene
- Eat either a) very infrequently or b) extremely frequently. Make sure to stick to highly processed foods, and steer clear of water and vegetables.
- Dwell heavily on your past regrets and mistakes.
- Never, ever practice gratitude
- Do not go to therapy. But if you must go, don’t listen to a word that cornball says
- If you suspect you have a mental disorder, do not seek help for it under any circumstances. You’re lucky enough to be more prone to depression based on the way your brain functions and how society as a whole treats you. Why would you want to give up your innate depression-maxxing advantage like that?
- Never open up to trusted friends or family about your true thoughts, feelings, and state of mind. The more you deny your depression to them and everyone else, the faster you’ll sink.
I trust that the method described above, Depress YourselfTM, will serve as a handy-dandy guide to those intent on spiralling down into the depths of psychological hell. To you, beginners and veterans alike, I wish good luck. Happy depressioning!