By Emi Gruender
“A Simple, Comfortable Boat Shoe” reads the official Crocs Website. And boats are just where Crocs should stay, if not tossed overboard.
Whenever I see shoe-fashion degenerates traipsing about the Westmont halls, their feet clad in those holey excuses for shoes, I shudder in disgust. Don’t they know the pungent smell of their feet pervades the air through the holes in their shoes? A sorry excuse for a shoe, made from a closed-cell resin— apparently the “closed” part couldn’t extend to the structural integrity of the shoe.
Don’t get me started on the so-called “sports mode” defined by the measly plastic strap on the back. “I’m ready to rumble,” a child says as he moves the straps to the back. Unfortunately for the child, he does not know that the moment he exerts any force on these sorry excuses for shoes, they will rocket into Earth’s orbit. Never to be seen again.
I could excuse a small child wearing these montruous things. They’re easy to slip on and off, adjustable to a child’s fast-growing feet. But when I see full grown adults shuffling around in fuzzy-lined crocs without socks, their toe sweat seeping into the plush fur lining forever, I simply shudder. I could possibly excuse, if its wearer apologized to everyone in the fashion community, wearing Crocs if it were mandatory to wear full-length socks inside. But I have seen one too many apathetic seniors and middle-aged folk, shuffling around barefoot in their squeaky rubber mold of a shoe. And it is time that it changed.
The last trespass of Crocs that I am unable to forgive?
Jibbitz.
A cute idea, perhaps. But in order to purchase any of these little plastic doohickeys, one must drop several hard-earned dollars on an item worth far below its listing price. One or two Jibbitz are the norm—but occasionally, I will come across a Croc enthusiast with Jibbitz jammed into every hole. I despise this species of Croc-wearers even more than the regular kind. This style is not cute. It is tacky. And the Jibbits get dirty beyond recognition so quickly, the effort required to constantly upkeep these boat shoes aren’t worth the final aesthetic.
If you aim to remain any kind of “fashion guru,” do yourself a favor and steer clear of Crocs.
