By Emi Gruender
Inspired by JD, one of my favorite YouTubers under the name “Terrible Writing Advice.”
Welcome back, aspiring writers! Today, we’re gonna cover a couple of tips and tricks I’ve learned over the last couple months that will make your newest fictional story touch lives and fly off shelves. Buckle up, now, and let me tell you exactly how you should write: and what you should avoid, too.
- Never, ever read other fictional works.
If you read works by other authors, your inner artist shall be contaminated by the brainchildren of other, lesser, creators. If you must read works, you lousy plagiarizer, always read books within your genre. For example, if you’re a horror fan: read Stephen King and nothing else. God forbid you draw inspiration from many different places at once, and therefore think up a brand-new story with intra-genre trope mixing! Your inner artist is completely original, and needs no outside material from tried-and-tested professionals, lest their influences show through in your work.
- Chapter One should always be an infodump.
It’s not a real introduction if the first chapter isn’t the entire history of a fantasy world and the backstories of every character. On the first page, at the very least, I want to know the names of the entire cast of characters, plus a few that will never show up ever again, along with the geopolitical atmosphere of the high fantasy world and the main character’s favorite Girl Scout Cookie.
If you want extra points, there should be enough information in your first chapter to compile a little quiz at the end of each chapter to make sure your readers are paying attention. Keep them on their toes!
GOOD!!! EXAMPLE:
Once upon a time there was a kingdom. Well, it wasn’t actually a kingdom. It was an oligarchy, founded in 1580 by King Raymoniltayun II, after he defeated the evil Keopletican army and their thousand-man swarm of Reedle-Dee flying grasshoppers by using the war-tactic Beedle Dance. After the Dance of 1617, when King Leopold stole the Goblet of Malice, forged from the Icy Cloud Glorbioth and hidden for 800 years under the Tooble-Doo mountains of Goliathan, everyone could fly in this kingdom because everyone had mangle-dorfs, which gave them the ability to rearrange atoms because the Ryulpo-gland inside their Snorfplotamous gave Witchpox to the Keopletican and their King, Sir Oncelerlot-Caddington-Dimsington III.
- Never ever ever use the word “said.”
There are absolutely no instances where “said” could be the most effective dialogue tag. And always give dialogue a tag. Dialogue may never, ever, ever be freestanding, especially in conversations between just two people. Instead of using such a boring word, only use polysyllabic words that you have to search up to find the definition of.The more archaic and obsolete a word: the better. I better be seeing dialogue tags that were last used in 1580 by a Catholic Monk.
BAD!!! EXAMPLE:
John stormed into the room. “What did you do this time?”
“I didn’t do anything.” she said, fiddling with her pen.
“Don’t you dare lie to me.”
“I’m not!”
GOOD!! Example
John stormed into the room. “What did you do this time?” he growled.
“I didn’t do anything.” she quivered, fiddling with her pen.
“Don’t you dare lie to me.” John roared.
“I’m not!” She sobbed.
- Make everything in your story depressing: all of the time
How will I care about your characters if you give them any time to breathe and be happy? Personally, meeting a character and immediately watching life tear them apart brings a tear to my eye— especially if the character does not form emotional attachments with others through the story’s course, and only loses their battles. In my opinion, reader-to-characters are only forged when the characters are faced with nothing but horror and conflict. Who are we kidding? The audience only cares about them if they’re dark, brooding, edgy, and laconic. If I wanted to read a story for my own personal fulfillment, I would go pick up a children’s book. Everyone knows that the scariest painting of nighttime is a canvas that’s painted pitch-black. Only shadows, right?
- Follow every single piece of writing advice you see on the Internet.
Yes, I mean it. Listen to those faceless profiles on Quora and Reddit: especially to a random ameauter writer publishing an article of writing advice on a high school newspaper. Never infodump, never use “said,” never let any character be a cardboard cutout for the sake of the story, never disobey a stranger on the internet that parades themself as a guru, and never break the rules.
Okay: here’s some unsarcastic advice to round this out:
When it comes down to it, writing is for you. For god’s sake, the first chapter of Tolkien’s Fellowship of the Ring is nothing but an infodump about the Shire and Mordor and all the creatures that inhabit the land. A thousand miniature voices on the internet can push an amateur writer in the right direction (and I sure hope I’ve picked the right one) but in the end, they’re not in control of what you make. Don’t take these bits of advice as scripture. What works for some, doesn’t for others. These are my two cents—what’s worked for me on my journey as improving as a writer— but then again, they’re only two cents. Take them as you will.