I consider myself an extremely exclusive individual who only reaches out to a group of people with specific characteristics. As an easily provoked person, I wouldn’t like to hear people boast of their conquered countries or nationalist driven mass genocides, so for all you big time military leaders, or political figures of the 13th through 18th century, I am deeply sorry, but I am going to have to let you sit by yourself at the bar with a sweet pink strawberry milkshake. On the other hand, I am not the type of bold person to share my accomplishments with everyone in sight, therefore an unintentionally humorous, educated, yet socially imperceptive person who shares the same interests as me will be invited to my table. I have successfully assembled the dream trio that will have the privilege and honor of attending the nearest Denny’s table for four with me: Michael Cera, Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman in the 2005 Fantastic Four movie, and Eric Cartman (a fictional character from the TV Show South Park). With this impeccable squadron of big name celebrities, conversations are bound to start.
Once Eric Cartman flies in from the small town of South Park, Colorado, accompanied by his mother and stuffed animal, Clyde Frog, I would hesitantly greet him. After receiving a direct, likely racially derogatory insult by the 8-year-old brat, I would then guide him to our table.
As Micharel Cera’s ghastly and casual self walks up to the front door, I would wave him over and watch him unintentionally knock over a vase on his way over to the chair directly across from a visibly confused Eric Cartman.
Finally, heavenly choral music begins to play as Jessica Alba’s role as the Invisible Woman in the 2005 Fantastic Four movie begins to strut down the Denny’s hall. I would greatly appreciate the universe’s unknown forces for granting me the opportunity to have lunch with my long-time celebrity crush. Flushed, I would wave Jessica Alba over as her lush curls bounce on the glistening Fantastic Four suit.
After everyone is settled in and the appetizers have arrived, I would start investigating Eric Cartman’s insight on his exploitation of political viewpoints in the world and his brave mockeries of powerful figures in history. I would applaud his gallantry if his nobility was intended (it wasn’t). Aside from Cartman’s rather construction papery expression, all their faces would evoke a sense of intrigue as they scoot their chairs in to get a better listen.
I would ask the following questions to each participant:
To Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman in the 2005 Fantastic Four movie: While this may not be a specific question, please don’t ever get with that narcissistic son of a gun named Human Torch. Also, how did you persuade one of the most powerful entities in the universe to help you save Earth? Who are your parents? What caused you to enhance your powers of invisibility? Other than that, I think I’ll just make the most of my time with you and picture us in a 10 Things I Hate About You style romance story.
To Eric Cartman: Why are you such a brat? Honestly, how have you not been arrested by the government or at least placed under a government surveillance program? What caused you to hate everyone around you? Please take it easy on your mom at least, she tries her best to keep you as her little “poopykins”.
To Michael Cera: Thank you so much for being one of my favorite actors of all time. Your unintentional clumsy and awkward humor easily makes you one of the most relatable characters in the movie industry. Please tell me how you managed to defeat superpowered evil boyfriends to defend your girlfriend’s honor? How did you feel about your role as Scott Pilgrim in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World? Could you ask the producers to make a sequel to it please?
As all good things must come to an end, I would ask for the check. Seeing as how Cartman ate ten total pounds of wings while somehow convincing the waiter to join his new improv group, I would wave him goodbye as he prepares to spit at me. A few minutes later, Jessica Alba would give me a hug (the best three seconds of my life) and burst through the Denny’s ceiling on her flying force field. Meanwhile, Michael Cera thanks me for the food and casually struts out the door to his 2009 Toyota Prius.