In this article, I am joined by my sister, Maddie Tanaka, who will provide an in-depth analysis of what a drink an NBA player is. I will follow up with my level of agreement with her choices.
1. Victor Wembanyama – a flute of champagne
Reason: He is very vertically elongated and it’s a glass half-full or empty situation. Depending on the way you see him, he can either be an incredible asset for the Spurs or he could just be overhyped.
Agreement: 9/10
He does resemble a flute of champagne, and he’s French.
2. Steph Curry – San Pellegrino Lemon Sparkling Water
Reason: Steph Curry is skinny and short, so he’s the metal can version. The bubbliness of the drink represents his lasting legacy on the Warriors, just like how you can often taste the fizziness in your mouth even after you gulp down the water. In addition, you can never go wrong when putting him on the court, like how you can never go wrong with lemon sparkling water.
Agreement: 7/10
I don’t really see the metal can vision, however, I agree with her comment on the versatility of lemons. Moreover, the burst of sourness you get when eating lemons is similar to how Curry stands out in the basketball world.
3. Nikola Jokic – A Pint of Irish Beer Straight From the Tap
Reason: Nikola Jokic is super bulky, so he’s a pint—not a glass—of beer. Also, he is the pint of beer that would be drunk straight from the tap instead of poured because, allegedly, it preserves the carbonation. This represents his ability to score effectively from within the paint but outside the three-point line, hence the convenience of his skill set. He would be Irish beer because the average alcohol content in it is about 4.4%, which is not the most, yet can be effective.
Agreement: 8.5/10
I helped her come up with this one.
4. Jayson Tatum – Grape Honest Juice Box That Comes in a Variety Pack
Reason: Jayson Tatum is bland like an Honest grape juice box. There, I said it. He is the grape one in a variety pack because, even though they all suck, nobody ever chooses the grape one. It’s bland and has no taste, just as Tatum plays like every other player in the NBA. In my opinion, he can’t handle the ball or shoot like Curry and can’t play in the paint like Anthony Davis or Shaq. Also, he’s undersized and doesn’t use it to his advantage. That’s why he’s a juice box and not a pouch, which are obviously better.
Agreement: 8/10
She hit the nail on the head with this one. Although, the hate on him is largely due to his corniness.
5. Giannis Antetokounmpo – Shirley Temple in One of Those Skinny Cylinder Glasses with a Cherry and Mint Leaf on Top
Reason: Giannis is a very friendly person, yet some people get intimidated by him when they first watch him play. This is like a Shirley Temple, which seems like it has a bit of that liquid courage, but doesn’t. Those tall cylinder glasses are super easy to hold which represents his efficiency on the court. The cherry and mint leaf are the final touches that complete the drink, like his friendliness and adaptability on the court.
Agreement: 6/10
I feel like he wouldn’t be a carbonated drink, but he does seem like a skinny glass type of man.
6. Ja Morant – Michelada in Those Funky-Shaped Glasses That are Difficult to Carry with a Rim of Tajin and a Shrimp Skewered on a Toothpick on Top
Reason: First, he’s a Michelada because it’s an odd combo that seems yucky. They’re an alcoholic beverage made mainly of beer, lime juice, and tomato juice. Who does that sound appetizing to? These ingredients represent him as a player and how his personality and actions mix to create something undesired by others. He would be a funky-shaped glass because of his anger management issues and how it doesn’t do anything to help the team, hence the difficulty of carrying the glass. Additionally, the rim of tajin would represent his anger issues as well and how, when you drink the michelada, it adds an unexpected and unnecessary spice to the drink. The shrimp skewered on a toothpick in the drink is disgusting as a food should, disrespectfully, never be mixed with a drink like that. This is like how his actions off the court should never be seen coming from an NBA star, especially one that once had a bright future.
Agreement: 5/10
I don’t have extensive knowledge of the public’s perception of Ja Morant, so I’m at a bit of a crossroads with this one.
7. Bronny James – Literally Any Flavor of Prime but Probably the Galaxy one
Reason: He’s a child. Point blank. Only Gen Alpha drinks Prime anymore. He’s fresh out of college and was drafted by the Lakers because of his dad, LeBron James, just like how Prime went crazy viral because it was created by KSI and Logan Paul. Also, Prime isn’t even good, just like Bronny, who sits on the bench and is only there because he’s a bit of a nepo baby. While hs is talented, he isn’t ready for the high level of intensity that comes with playing among NBA stars. This is shown in how Prime has the potential to be great but isn’t good enough for the general public to be consuming.
Agreement: 8.5/10
This was weirdly accurate!