By Faith Gonia
Time of article’s completion: 3/29, 1:23 a.m.
Time of article’s due date: 3/29, 8 a.m.
The Shield does not condone the practices described in this article.
Alright, I guess I am the only one who is brave enough to say it—the doctors are lying to you. After two AP-infused school years of testing the human body’s supposed “limits,” I have made a groundbreaking discovery: no teenager truly needs 8-10 hours of sleep in order to function properly. All-nighters are not only incredibly easy to pull, but also immensely beneficial!
My research study began in August of 2022…coincidentally, the beginning of my first Advanced Placement classes, AP U.S. History and AP English Lang & Comp. In them, (thanks to the wonderful teachings of Chris Mock and Chris Haskett), I gained countless valuable academic skills which I will forever be grateful for. However, I also gained an important health-related skill. I call it “sleep deprivation!” Furthermore, taking a critical distance break over the summer, I resumed my hands-on experimentation throughout my senior year. As I have juggled AP English Literature, AP U.S. Government & Politics, TAC presidency, and Shield editorship for the past nine months (with the support of the marvelous Andy Evans and Eric Buran, of course), I have grown to consider myself an expert on lacking sleep, and in many cases ditching it altogether!
If you also find yourself always racing against time, then I urge you to read further. Below are my instructions to successfully stay up all night. Welcome to All-Nighters 101.
- Never begin your homework ahead of time.
All-nighters are completely unavoidable. There is absolutely nothing you can do ahead of time to ensure that you get sleep. With that said, if you have two chapters of APUSH notes due on Tuesday morning, then you should start them on Monday at 7 p.m. sharp. If you have an AP Government exam on Friday, then don’t bother studying till Thursday at around 4 p.m. The key to a successful all-nighter is unbelievably poor time management, which (not to toot my own horn) only some of us are blessed enough to have.
- Caffeine is for the weak.
A true all-nighterist does not require fake energy to maintain their unconventional sleep schedule. Train your brain to understand that REM sleep is no longer an option. Splash some cold water on your face, and get ready for the day, or night. I mean c’mon, your body is already receiving zero shut-eye; do not force it to consume an addictive stimulant as well.
- Take on all the responsibilities you possibly can.
Rather than cutting down on voluntary work, take on more! Sign up for more clubs! Take the lead role in every group project! Ideally, you should be stressed for over 70% of the day. Even though literally no one is forcing you to sign up for such time-consuming tasks, sign up anyway! Deep down, you know you love it.
- Scrupulously adhere to all deadlines.
NEVER miss a deadline. Be utterly terrified of missing a deadline. Hold deadlines in such high regard that you would rather drink spoiled milk than miss a deadline. Have nightmares about deadlines! Better yet, don’t have nightmares about deadlines, because you are awake, meeting those deadlines! An all-nighter is only successful when your self-invoked dedication to due dates trumps your body’s natural need for sleep.
Thank you for attending All-Nighters 101! I hope these tips bring you much prosperity in your future educational endeavors. I’d love to stay, but I better get going—I have a few more articles to write…