By Emi Gruender
With the discovery of mobile cell phones, the (fictional) secluded Amish community smack dab in rural Montana were wary to include these devil-worshiping devices into their everyday lives. Initially, these technology-filled bricks were only used for simple correspondence; complete with prose like “My dearest love” or “May God Be With Ye.” However, with the never-seen-before appearance of a smiling yellow face at the end of a young woman’s electronic letter, trouble found its way into this peaceful town. The following trial is recorded below, over message correspondence, of course. Everyone knows that corporal punishment cannot triumph over the humiliation of everlasting ejection from a group chat.
Today 12:03 pm
Minister Johnson changed the group name.
Minister Johnson changed the group photo.
Minister Johnson: Is everyone gathered?
Minister Johnson: Bring in the girl.
Lumberjack Elmer added Elizabeth Wisecrack to the conversation.
Elizabeth Wisecrack: what’s going on?!
Minister Johnson: We are gathered here today to discuss the situation of Elizabeth Wisecrack, and her frightening witchcraft over our electronic letters.
Emma Wisecrack somehow added herself to the conversation.
Emma Wisecrack: Sister, I hope they do not find you guilty of witchcraft. Then you might be removed! LOL.
Minister Johnson: Silence, wench! From whom did you learn this shameful new word?
Emma Wisecrack: A blue bird often tweets at my brick bearing messages of LOL. It means lots of love.
Grandfather Sizeable: I could have used some love when my dearest wife passed yestermorrow.
Minister Johnson: I am very sorry that Grandmother Sizeable passed away untimely. LOL.
Minister Johnson: However, we must return to the subject at hand. Elizabeth Wisecrack, how did you add a likeness of dear Brother Daffodil to your message?
Brother Daffodil: Is there another mystery person with a case of jaundice such as mine? No! Therefore the little yellow smile must be a portion of my soul that the wench despicably yanked from my body.
Minister Johnson: What do you have to say of your wicked deeds, Elizabeth Wisecrack?
Elizabeth Wisecrack: I am no witch! These yellow faces are but a few of a large collection hidden just beyond our writing buttons– I shall demonstrate.
Mother Wisecrack: Don’t, Eliza!
Elizabeth Wisecrack: 😊😊😊😊😊
Minister Johnson: Witch! Witch! Don’t you see, everyone? These wicked deeds must be punished. Remove her, immediately.
Elizabeth Wisecrack: Please! Don’t you see the pure joy these faces radiate? The avoidance of simple words to demonstrate a point? Elmer, please!
Lumberjack Elmer: You have chosen the path of wickedness. Your punishment must match your crime.
Elizabeth Wisecrack: 😱
Elizabeth Wisecrack: 🔥🔥🔥
Elizabeth Wisecrack: 💀
Elizabeth Wisecrack was removed from the conversation.
Mother Wisecrack: Rest in peace, daughter. LOL. LOL. LOL.
Minister Johnson: Let us pray that her soul shall be saved.
Minister Johnson: We lift our hands in prayer!
Minister Johnson: 🙏
Minister Johnson: Wait a minute.