By Mia Hanuska
Every time I sit down for a meal with others and see their food, I am painfully reminded of my allergies—not because I’m worried about people eating near me, but because I wish I could try their food. Everything always looks so tasty, from a basic bar or bag of chips to a complex sandwich or soup. However, this doesn’t mean I can’t admire, and definitely doesn’t mean I can’t rate a select choice of foods based on how I think they’d taste.
Cool-Ranch Doritos
These confuse me. What makes the difference between “cool-ranch” and “normal” ranch? Also—what in ranch colors them rainbow? Why do they have colored specks? Despite my countless questions about their use of food-dyes, I feel like these would be pretty tasty. I’m not a huge fan of ranch-flavored things, but these seem like they’d be a salty and zesty chip with a slight kick of spice towards the end. They look like they’d be great to munch on and wouldn’t get boring after a while. A great-looking chip, though confusing in color and flavoring name, I’d give these a solid 7.84/10.
Smarties
I’ve always wanted to try these, but I can’t say they look delicious. I can imagine the dust in my mouth after chomping down on one of these and the feeling of trying to get the wetted grains out from my molars—ew. The flavors don’t seem like they’d be very strong, and I assume they’re fruit flavored..? They look like they’d have “multiple flavors” yet have all the colors taste the same. These always disappointed me to get on halloween and look like chalk as a candy, 4.63/10.
Danishes/Pretty Much Any Pastry
My mouth waters every time I walk by the farmer’s market stand and smell the aroma coming from these delicious desserts. The pastry itself looks so flaky and wonderfully buttery, perfectly crispy on the outside yet nice and moist on the inside. Then the fillings, oh my goodness. These look so amazingly tasty with bright jam or cheese or whatever else they put in these things. If I could, I would devour a dozen in less than 10 minutes. 9.87/10.
Soup Dumplings
I keep seeing these all over my feed and frozen in bags at the store and I’m just so angry that there isn’t a good alternative. The soup looks perfectly flavored with just the right amount of salt, and the filling looks so delectable. And the texture of the wrapper: wow. I can imagine the amazing layers of the delicate crimps at the top and the soft, pasta-like (this is a complete guess, I have no idea what the wrapper would taste like) bottom. Mmmmm. I would 100% burn my tongue on the hot soup, but it’d make a wonderful snack or meal, 8.89/10.
Anything Blue Raspberry Flavored
No. Just no. I despise anything flavored “blue raspberry” —what does it even mean?? There are no such things as raspberries that are blue, and if they just made it normal raspberry there’d be an 80% chance I could have it. I respect the whole “there’s too many red fruits” argument but also? Another red fruit isn’t going to hurt. The real question here should be: does the “blue” change the flavor? What does “blue” taste like? This flavor deserves the fields of punishment. 1.11/10