The following has been approved by Mr. Miller, principal of Westmont High School
Ordained as Westmont’s principal in 2017, Jason Miller has served as our fearless Warrior-king for seven years; a glorious school-wide sovereign imbued with decisive educational power. But…does this mysteriously distinguished figure harbor a…secret…perchance? We’ve all seen Miller patrolling the halls. In the morning. In the afternoon. Allegedly, even at night. Once, on a hot July day in 2022, a group of marching band members saw Miller tending to the school grounds, performing maintenance and such. With a sweatshirt on…in 80 degree heat… “It was like nothing I had ever seen,” says prolific socialite and Westmont student Alan Lu in an interview I’m making up as I go along, “the intensity, the care, the sheer quality of his work on that hot summer day at the end of Band Camp.” Undeniably, Miller’s steadfast dedication to Westmont remains nothing short of inhuman. Perchance…is this the detail we’ve overlooked for so long? The unspoken truth we would not dare utter, yet the sole explanation for this mythical entity’s administrative prowess…always seemingly on campus…wearing a sweatshirt in late July…always dressed in (professional) layered outfits…the fact that after four years at Westmont I’ve never seen this man blink… The truth is undeniable: Miller must be a lizard person.
Let’s examine these claims with facts and logic. Scientifically, reptiles don’t typically travel far from home. Coincidentally, Miller went to Campbell Middle School, Westmont High School, and back to Westmont as a P.E. teacher, dean, and finally principal. Talk about staying local… Coincidence, or, perchance, not a coincidence? Keep in mind, this information is sourced from The Shield’s very own Andy Evans, a notoriously unreliable narrator. More evidence from the aforementioned English teacher: “Reptiles often shed their skin, the other day I saw Miller applying sunscreen.” What does this mean? Perchance, could it imply, Miller appreciates and promotes good skin care? Or, perchance, could we, as logical individuals, conclude that Mr. Evans’ testimony implicitly indicates Miller recently shed his lizard skin and is now vulnerable to sunlight? As Westmont Warriors, we know which is more likely.
Detractors to this truth-crusade may say “Owen, what are you thinking, why are you calling your principal a lizard person that’s insane, they should expel you for this.” To that, I say “Mother, please, lock in: I’m not finished yet.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a graph.
I hope this clears any misconceptions.
Furthermore, how can a mere mortal possibly raise Westmont to such dazzling heights? Currently, Westmont is nationally recognized as a pretty gosh darn good school. According to USNews, a prolific and reliable analysis/ranking source, Westmont posits high levels of acclaim. Academically, Westmont is leagues ahead of the state averages.
US News even goes as far as ranking Westmont as the #1 school in all of CUHSD! How is this possible? Simple: lizard-like educational efficiency. Where else could this precedent of hive-minded excellence be exuding from, but the top of the proverbial education pyramid: principal Miller. We’ve been played, plain and simple. There can be no other explanation but reptilian leadership. Which begs the question, are the Westmont staff in on it? Are they too lizards? Perchance?
However, there’s only one flaw in this Pulitzer-worthy report on Miller’s reptilian regime: reptiles are cold blooded. Perchance, this is why Miller is always so professionally dressed. But still, it’s well known that Miller has a warm heart; how could cold blood flow through someone so warm hearted? I don’t know. Maybe Miller isn’t a lizard. Maybe he’s a creature more mundane than a lizard person, like a wizard or something.
Let this be a lesson to all the Westmont staff—this is what you get for being good at your jobs. Conspiracy theories from your student publication. Censor me, I DARE you. Just know, even if I disappear after this issue’s release, there’s no other principal I’d rather claim to be a lizard than Jason Miller.