FANTASTIC BEASTS

By Alessandra Kelly, Eric Vallen, & Friends

Today, the movie Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore shall be judged by the supreme court of movies. We are made up of seven judges: Eric Vallen, Alessandra Kelly, Katherine Coffey, Marcelo Brooks, Hamada, Bowen Wilson, and Wil Dolor. Renowned as the best movie judges in the world, our opinion is unchallengeable. Listen, and learn. 

From an interview with justice Eric Vallen: “Objectively, this movie is mid. Several characters, including the main character of the last movie, Credence, are essentially thrown to the side. Furthermore, Tina’s character is completely slaughtered. She literally has 5 lines. However, in retrospect to the last two movies, this is actually pretty good. Despite The Secrets of Dumbledore‘s abandonment of most of its previous plot lines, it still has a pretty reputable storyline. Additionally, the casting of Mads Mikkelsen as Grindelwald is actually very good, making most of The Secrets of Dumbledore actually believable. Overall, pretty good movie, 7.5/10”.

From a brief statement made by justice Bowen Wilson: “Its actually a good movie, 8.5/10”.

Per court rules, justices are allowed to view movies even while delirious, hence why we have a statement from the renowned Katherine Coffey, claiming “I had no idea what was going on, but it was good, 8/10”.

From notoriously middle of the road justice Hamada, we have a typical opinion, as they state “this movie was not awful, 5/10”.

The people’s favorite, justice Marcelo Brooks, offers a cautionary opinion to potential viewers, articulating how “the movie is very good, but only with context, 9/10”.

From the second to last, and arguably the most polarizing judge on the floor, Wil Dolor, we have the briefest statement in all of court history: “homoeroticism”. Dolor gave no final judgment in terms of numbers, but one must assume this means the movie was a 10/10 in Dolor’s eyes.