Weirdly Impressive Records

By Eric Vallen

Ninety percent of the human population likely can’t spin a basketball on their finger for five seconds. Imagine having the god-like dexterity to do so on the pointy end of a toothbrush while holding it in your mouth for one minute and eight seconds. Sandepp Singh Kaila did so, in January, 2019. This event is the flash point, the climax of human development. Past this accomplishment, the world has gone entirely downhill. We are past the point of no return, unless Kaila can come to save us once more with his deity-like toothbrush wielding abilities. What a guy.

Just three years prior, in 2016, a feat of human ingenuity came forth to the world stage, spoon balancing. A glorious Serbian man, by the name of Dalibor Jablanovic, managed to balance 79 spoons on the surface of his body, simply by being disgustingly sticky. In all honesty, Jablanovic’s stickiness is the closest humanity has ever come to having a super power. Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Michael Jordan, Lionel Messi, and the other sporting greats of history all pale in comparison to Jablanovic’s sheer sweating power. There may never be such a sweaty man in all the future of humanity. What a man. 

In 2009, an Italian woman by the name of Elisa Cagnoni performed the loudest burp ever recorded, at one hundred and seven decibels. For reference, that measurement is as if you were holding your ear to an active jackhammer or chainsaw. Cagnoni could single handedly break any hearing aid device within one hundred meters of her, at will. However, she has decided against becoming the villain of our timeline, rather entering into burping competitions and donating her proceedings to charity. What a gal.