God’s Leaf

By Eric Vallen

The gateway to super strength. Becoming a superhero. A god. 

Spinach’s astronomical amount of vitamin A content has been reported to increase one’s visionary capabilities to that of a bald eagle. All spinach eaters alike, in a study conducted by the CDC, could spot a Lamborghini hot wheels racing car atop a push pin from distances of up to eight-thousand meters.

Furthermore, with its vitamin C presence, spinach makes one immune from all cancers of the body. In fact, astronauts who actively eat spinach have temporarily gained the ability to take direct gamma rays from the sun while space walking, without a suit. Moreover, it extends a person’s life, almost infinitely. For reference, the first popeye cartoon saw theaters in 1929, when popeye was an old man. Then, he started eating spinach. Have we seen any evidence of aging from him over the past century? No. We have not. Popeye has become an invincible being; a deity of the spinach eating world; a timeless being

Finally, we come to vitamin K.  Quite literally, if you eat raw spinach, your bones will obtain such density that they would create a gravitational pull around you. It may be high in iron content, but it will turn you into steel. Additionally, vitamin K from spinach allows ones blood to travel at such high speeds that reflexes, thoughts, and actions will come much quicker. In fact, spinach eaters have the tendency to perceive time at a faster rate than those around them. Their non-spinach eating counterparts will be perceptibly moving and talking at a much slower rate, as if they were in slow motion. 

However, these powers do not come lightly. One must perform the absolute best recipe for spinach in existence to receive such benefits. Sauteed Garlic Spinach. The most slimy substance known to man. Consume at least eight ounces of this abomination, and the powers are yours. Good luck.