Mask Mesmerized Morons

By Ashlyn Nargunam

They’re everywhere. It’s an apocalypse at this point. What with their disposable blue surgical look alikes or – gosh it just gets worse – the patterns! Only the delusional succumb to the practice of wearing masks. Imagine believing in something so invisible as COVID-18?! Do those imbeciles really think a virus of that caliber could possibly be real? And if this so-called pandemic were true, do they really think a flimsy tissue is going to protect them? 

I atleast have the lungs to combat it. My body is simply, and I say this humbly, stronger than theirs. The masked morons claim you lose your sense of smell. Ha! Nonsense! My nose is equivalent to that of a canine’s! The NSA once actually tried to hire me, claiming my olfactory sense outdoes the performance of all their on duty dogs. For the record, I politely declined the offer. The morons also say you can’t taste things once “infected.” Pshhhh, they don’t know anything. Gordon Ramsey himself complimented my excellent skills in tasting luxurious meals and menus. A simple infection cannot debilitate my exquisitely extraordinaire and extensive bodily strength.

And I wish I could say these idiots are only weak in their physicality. But oh gosh it gets worse. They’re feeble to their very brains! They are fearful of the smallest, most inconspicuous, inconsequential occurrences! It’s honestly just all very sad. They fear people like me, people with strong lungs and impeccable senses. Oh and get this- they fear coughing! It’s ridiculous! Don’t they know coughing is the best way to get rid of impurities and bacteria? It’s only the most commonly known fact of medi-micro-bio-chemist-diagnostics-ology! Because of their fear, these ntiwits are so gullible. They allow the media to manipulate their impressionable brains with fake death counts and a fabricated vaccination. Little do they know the only virus present is this false dissemination of information! The morons keep spreading the message too! The message of fear! The message of public ethics! The message that our very bodies must be protected with a comical 6-foot distance and ludicrous paper face coverings!

Actually, I’m recognizing the silver lining in all of this. If this virus is real, then they’re weak bodies will not have the proper immunity to defend themselves. Thus, our world can flourish with a stronger human race. If the virus is not real (which it’s not), then we simply don’t have to see these mask-loving morons in public – as their fear conflicts with their normal, everyday activities! It’s all actually, very beautiful.

The narrative of Coronavirus is the second funniest joke of the world. It only proves inferior to the most laughing stock of all- the Bubonic Plague.