Do you want to maximize your spending power during your next stroll to the Costco food court? Are all of these flashy new options available making decisions tough on a tight budget? Then I, a frequent connoisseur of their complete wholesale menu, have the best meal for you for no more than $20!
The Plan:
Since I was born, my family has made the pilgrimage to and from Costco on a regular basis. It’s like a calling in me; when the fridge is barebones, and the pantry lacks residency, to return to the fertile provider, who resides around industrial AC and high, steel beam ceilings, is my greatest wish. Only in a place like this, you could get a premiere flatscreen along with 8 packs of edamame and not look out of place. This culture of consumption indoctrinated me at an early age to love the glorious variety in that grand gray building. In these early trips, a special appreciation for the place settled in my head; it had everything a little boy would even want: legos, cookies priced by the pound, and an endless spree of free samples to ransack. Yes, no place could be so heavenly.
I assume you, dear reader, also possess a hefty love for the wholesale giant. For this reason, I do not want to occupy your time with an ordinary dive into a “quick and nice treat” from the menu. No, dear reader, I want to give you an assignment like no other; a true testament to your devotion to the Costco corporation that you hold a deal — a labor of love if you will. In my countless voyages to the grocery grotto, I have planned and predicted the greatest meal you could ever ingest. If you consider yourself the Costco courtier that I believe you are, then read with the spirit of Costco and hold your kirkland brand pillow tight as you read the following premonition.
Order:
Mental preparations are essential to practice before any action is actually taken. Take a deep breath, filling your diaphragm with the fresh scent of warehouse mystique. Release, placing all the weight of your life, your job, your classes away from you. Continue to practice these exercises as freely and expressively as you can in the food courts packed line.
Once you have done enough to calm yourself down and stand ready to order, your request at to your cashier should be the following:
2 Hotdog combo meals
- Including the 20oz Sodas, both containing a mixture of 2 parts sprite to one part pepsi
1 Chicken Bake
1 18” Whole Cheese Pizza
(12 slices)
Assembly:
First, you must open the pizza box. However, do not dispose of the cardboard yet, it will be necessary later on. As best you can, bring 5 slices of pizza together on a top and bottom pattern. Then, cut one slice into equal halves down the medial line of the pizza slice. Connect these semi-slices to the ends to form a rectangle. Repeat this step with the remaining half of the pizza. You should now have 2 rectangular masses of pizza. It should resemble something like this:
For the second step of this journey, you will use the chicken bake. Unwrap the warm loaf of bread from its packaging, you will not need this packaging later. Your first and only action is to, in one motion, tear the chicken bake open and spill its contents across the plane of pizzas. After the bread is emptied, you may place it in the center of the pizza facing horizontally. It should look something like this:
In this next step, you will be utilizing the two hotdogs. Remove the hotdogs from their buns and set them aside wherever you can. Take the buns of the hotdog and roll them individually until their resemblance is akin to a spiceless cinnamon role. Place these rolls on their side laterally, at each transversal end of the pizzas. Then, fold the vertical sides of the pizza slab around the inner contents and hotdog buns:
Given the previous instructions, you will likely ask yourself, “Dude, what do I do with the two sausages that didn’t go in the roll?” Essentially, there is no right answer here. Do whatever you want with the hotdogs. That is the American way: to be able to reach a capacity of liberty to create this thing, but to also have 2 hotdogs remaining to have the right to put them wherever you want on it: Give the roll some ears, make the hotdogs into fangs, or maybe stick them on each end and use them as handles to eat corn on the cob style. It’s completely your natural right to pick where the dogs go.
For the final step, using the straw of the drink as an applicator, glaze the exterior of the pizza bread with even coats, until a faint reflection of yourself is visible in the crust. Trust me… this task demands all 40oz of soda for a proper glaze. The final product should look like the following:
I surmise that by following these instructions, you will have achieved the desired outcome. While a feat like this proves your dedication to the fast food industry, there may be times you feel tempted to turn away from your work at some time and profess in front of gaulking onlookers, “Why oh why did I ever choose to labor such a task?” An urge to rescind could wash over you at any time; DO NOT DO GIVE IN! Your efforts are more valuable than you know; it is more valuable than the crisp 20 dollar bill you gave the cashier. What you are doing is contemporary art —You know it is! Continue to create, because your actions bring a true change into the world in a demonstration of resiliency!
Now, dispose of the cardboard box, take a few steps back, and look at what you have accomplished. Born through your labor, “the son of the court.”
Calculations:
4260 calories from the whole cheese pizza
448 calories from the 20oz soda drinks
1160 calories from the 2 hotdogs
+840 calories from the yummy chicken bake
For a grand sum of 6708 Calories
For comparison, the average man should take in around 2,600 calories a day to maintain their body weight. In Biblical studies, the number “6708,” refers to the Hebrew word, “tsechichi,” which translates to “the higher place in the glaring sun.” The word is used to characterize the unnerving feeling of vulnerability. This is a nod to the uncomfortable feeling one is flushed with when consuming 6,708 calories all at once in the Costco food court.
14.2 oz from 2 hotdogs
40oz of sprite
12.5 oz of chicken bake
+3.57 lbs of cheese pizza
Roughly totals a grand sum of 7.74 lbs
The average birthweight of a child born in the United Kingdom is 7.7 pounds. This fact alludes to the absolute foodbaby you will be carrying after you finish cradling your creation and have eaten every last greasy crumb.
9.95 for the whole cheese pizza
3.00 for 2 Hotdog and 20oz Soda Combos
3.99 for the hot and ready chicken bake
+1.69 from Santa Clara County’s 10% sales tax
For a grand sum of $18.83
On August 27th, 1883, the Indonesian volcano Krakatoa erupted, producing a shockwave so loud, it could be heard 3,000 miles away. Violently, the shockwave circled the entire Earth seven times, conceiving tsunamis which reached 130 meters high! This is a reference to the $18.83 that sent you to the seventh layer of hell you will find yourself in, as your body sacrifices life and limb to digest your creation. The complete process itself will take more than a week to fully pass through you; it will never once be peaceful. The torture is endurable if you place complete trust in your intestines to break it down in time. I believe in you.
Reflections and Heed This Warning:
This is not for the unwillful, nor is it a right of passage; there is not a pocket of air in which honor could be stored in this amalgamation. Truthfully, the stack of meat, cheese, and carbs you will create is no more a monster than it is a majesty. Gluttony, with all of its equally sinful innuendos like big backiness, chunk rustling, Appetiteus B among the most notable, does not factor in a feat such as this. This could not be judged as close to gluttony, for there is nothing but heart, will, and determination that propels your decision to endure this meal.
You could say such a product deserves no recognition. Possibly that it would be better to leave the concept here, on the pages of an article, and hide it from public eyes. It is true, the regular Costco shopper would not be prepared to recognize this meal: the product is too incomprehensible to the average diet. However, for the sheer quantity of organic matter that is compiled in this behemoth, I argue this may not warrant a traditional title, as it would likely underrepresent it. No, I believe it deserves a name of myth and legend. I want it to have a name of the occult and the secretive. There is but one name fitting to its character, its representation of freedom, its ode to the organization that birthed it, and its premonition to enlighten the initiated Costco courtier into a holy Costco deity. It is to be known as: The Nostradamus.