By Rosie Lu and Madeline Tanaka
The fall season always arrives with the anticipation of trick-or-treating—or more so, the excessive amounts of candy you get to eat without guilt. Everyone has favorites like the recently popularized Nerds Gummy Clusters or classic gummy bears, however, everyone also always has the sweets they hate with a passion. Unfortunately, as we have grown and our preferences have changed, we’ve found that some of our childhood favorites have become the ones we immediately give away for free at post-trick-or-treating candy trades.
Twizzlers:
Rosie (-300/10): These atrocities taste like artificial banana with burnt plastic. The texture evokes images of rubbery tires, both unpleasant and impossible to chew through. Show a Twizzler to someone from the 1800s, and it would hardly even strike them as edible.
Madeline (1/10): I think Rosie’s going a bit harsh with this one. During AP Lang the other day, though, we agreed that Twizzlers are one of the worst candies to receive when you’re given a secret handful by the homeowner. The taste is barely subpar, and when it gets stuck in your teeth, it only makes it worse.
Almond Joy:
Rosie (3/10): Why does one name an all-coconut chocolate (save for the few slivers of almond on top) after almonds? These are somehow astringently sweet—overwhelmingly sugary while leaving a bitter, uncomfortable aftertaste.
Madeline (0/10): OK, now I think Rosie’s being too nice about this. Almond Joys are seriously not good at all. Journalism alumni Emi Gruender absolutely loved Almond Joys, and I really can’t understand why. I can tolerate a chocolate coated coconut snack, but the texture of the coconut in Almond Joys is grainy and unsettling to say the least. They advertise the candy with two whole (two whole!) almonds, but who are we kidding? The almonds almost make the texture worse.
Raisins:
Rosie (-1/10): It’s Halloween, not Earth Day. No one is eating straight raisins on this day of candy and fun. Raisins aren’t even worth half their perfectly sour counterpart, cranberries.
Madeline (0/10): I don’t know, if you’re handing out raisins on Halloween, you’re either a health geek or just hate kids. Raisins aren’t even that good on a day that’s not Halloween, so why are trying to give them to children who love the holiday that’s to promote unhealthy yet unguilted indulgence??
Milk Duds:
Rosie (0.5/10): These are like a stale KitKat, except the wafer is just one solid pebble and the milk chocolate tastes like Nesquik chocolate milk mix.
Madeline (5/10): Don’t kill me for this, but I actually don’t hate Milk Duds. I mean, they’re certainly not the first candy I reach for when I want something sweet, but they have a good taste. However, like Twizzlers, Milk Duds get stuck in your teeth too, and the longer it sits there, the more soggy and nasty it gets.
Tootsie Rolls
Rosie (4/10): Tootsie Rolls aren’t horrific, but they leave a lot to be desired. Just a hint of chocolate flavor, but not rich enough to be considered chocolate. Somewhat chewy but just the slightest bit chalky. C’mon, Tootsies, make a choice: are you a truffle or a taffy?
Madeline (7/10): A lot of people don’t enjoy Tootsie Rolls, but I can respect them. They have a great taste, but they get stuck in your teeth way too easily. If I’m going to be honest, though, I like the long Tootsie Rolls over the tiny wrapped ones, just because it gives me enough satisfaction to make up for the stickiness.
Banana Laffy Taffy
Rosie (0.01/10): For what it’s worth, the first bite of a banana Laffy Taffy isn’t unbearable—you get the trademark chew of a Laffy Taffy. But then the cardboard undertones of the soapy banana flavoring come in, and everything is ruined. Stay away from me, chewy cardboard.
Madeline (-10/10): Any kind of Laffy Taffy really isn’t good. The banana and cherry ones specifically taste extremely artificial and it makes it seem like Laffy Taffy is trying too hard to appeal to different tastes. Banana candy as a whole isn’t great, but when mixed with a Laffy Taffy, it’s arguably the worst candy to consume and to see in your stash.
Bubblegum Lollipops
Rosie (2/10): Okay, who even conjured this up in their mind? When walking around trick-or-treating, no one wants to worry about spitting out their gum. The actual lollipop part is a typical candy, but once I get to the gum center, I start getting paranoid about swallowing disintegrated gum without noticing.
Madeline (3/10): Bubblegum lollipops are only good until you get to the actual bubblegum, and even then it’s not efficient to eat. The actual lollipop part is way too big for little kids to be trying to eat and makes your face look weird when you have the whole thing in your mouth. The bubblegum part of it is straight propaganda because if you’re going to put gum in the middle of a lollipop, at least make it edible?? It’s extremely tough and the taste lingers for three minutes at most.
Sugar Daddy Milk Caramel Lollipops
Rosie (5/10): These are just okay. I’m a big fan of caramel, but these fall short by at least a figurative mile. Caramel like Werthers’ or homemade ones melt in your mouth with a buttery, ever-so-slightly burnt sweetness, while these are mostly just sugary and grainy. Definitely edible, but also the type of candy that is left collecting dust in the bottom of the bucket.
Madeline (???/10): I wish I could tell you what this even is. Though, looking at the images, it looks like this could probably be the worst caramel candy to eat. Why is it so long?? And the rectangular shape of it looks like it’d physically hurt to eat.