By Haley Kim
In this issue of The Shield, we introduce you to Westmont’s most beloved teacher—Chris Haskett. Currently in his twenty-third year of teaching, he is famously known for his quirky sense of humor, sarcastic Del Mar jokes, and most importantly, his unconditional care and devotion for every one of his students. Please enjoy the hilarious, almost completely uncut interview with Haskett, with a little bonus at the end (wink wink)…
Where did you go to high school?
Del Mar High School.
What was your most challenging class and why?
Well, it’s hard to select because it was four years of not fun. That’s why I talk about Del Mar in my classes because I want students to know how great an experience they have at Westmont because it is the antithesis of the experience I had in high school.
It started off ugly. I remember as a freshman, we did a unit on poetry. And I love poetry; I was excited! And Ms. Mclaughin she wrote in my little poetry notebook: “Interesting poem, too bad you had to cheat off of Heidi.” Heidi, the girl who didn’t even talk to me. So I’m like, I never copied her; I never even talked to her! Here I was, super creative and thought I did a really good job, and she accused me of plagiarism. And I never forgot that. That was the beginning of a whole host of not-fun experiences.
The only bad days at Del Mar were the days ending in “y.”
What is one book everyone loves but you secretly dislike?
I remember when all the kids loved the Twilight series—and I did not like it. But I didn’t want to discourage reading, so I didn’t say a peep about it. Kids would do reports on it, and I would have to say like, “that’s greatttt…” But if it’s the reason kids are going to pick up a 1,000-page book, go for it.
If the English language was a person, what would you find most annoying about them?
Oh, they’re inconsistent and unreliable. English is the craziest language. There’s no ham in hamburger, you drive in a parkway and park in a driveway; it doesn’t even follow its own internal logic. It’s all over the place!
So if it were a human being, it would be this chaotic, scattershot, completely disoriented person.
Totally unreliable.
What is your favorite Simpson character and why?
Well, my favorite is Homer Simpson. He is imminently quotable, makes all sorts of mistakes, but despite these mistakes, ultimately he realizes that he needs to be a good father and learns that lesson over and over again.
If you had to survive a bear attack using only one thing from your classroom, what would it be?
I’d use the fire extinguisher. I’d try to blind it and make a run for it. If I had a California flag, I would just hold it in front of it and say, “See? I’m one of you!” and run away.
Which fictional character could you trust to babysit your kids, and one you would absolutely not?
I would not want Holden Caulfield to watch my kids—the one from Catcher in the Rye. He’s self-absorbed, and he’s got his own issues. I mean, he’s a good enough kid, but I’m afraid he’d smoke too many cigarettes and be distracted by his own problems. A good babysitter would be Pip from Great Expectations. You’ll read about that later.
And last but not least, if your students could remember only one thing about you 20 years from now, what would you want it to be?
One thing to remember? I cared about them enough to try to teach them how to write—which is no easy task.
Make sense? Sense it makes.
BONUS:
If you stuck around ‘till the end, congratulations! You now get to read some bonus responses from former teacher and current amazing (and also super jacked) substitute, Cathy Johnsguard!
If you had to survive a bear attack using only one thing from your classroom, what would it be?
I would use that pole that opens the window and stab that bear. ‘Cause if something gets hit with that thing, it’s gonna hurt. You gotta be ready, stand on a chair, wait for it to come by the door, and then go like “BAH, BAH, BAH!!” right at it.
Which fictional character could you trust to babysit your kids, and one you would absolutely not?
I’d have Moana babysit my kids. Because that girl can sail, she can literally do everything—I just watched it last night. Who would I not want to babysit my kids? Homer Simpson.
Picture of Johnsguard preparing for a bear attack.