By Josie Barker
Imagine life in a state of shambles, crabs dominating daily life, harming innocent lives, terrorizing the structured global government, ruining the worldly reign of homosapiens. In 1927, citizens living in the “Crab Capital of the World,” Crisfield, Maryland, faced absolute tyranny living under the totalitarian rule of Santiago, The Crab King. Ruler of the crustaceans1, Santiago and his aristocracy of decapods2 united to install hateful propaganda throughout the crab kingdom in order to establish brachyura3 as the master marine-based race.
Eisenhower Krebs, East Coast president, and controller of crab stability and regulation, found himself overthrown and struck out of rule by the totalitarian crab-ruling regime of the early 20th century. Residents of Maryland, exasperated by the countless crab induced traffic jams, gas price inflation by hermit lords, and most aggravating of all, the work of the world’s worst internet trolls, banded together to rationalize a plan to defeat the salt water reliant sand dwellers.
Sequentially, after public uproar against crab population, Krebs took it upon himself to develop an influential way of puppeteering the crustacean colony. Eager to put an end to aquatic autocracy, Krebs assigned the most qualified psychologists and marine biologists in the U.S. to help assist with the social engineering of the hard-shelled community. The assignment required all the provided biomedical researchers to develop a singular strategic process to dismantle the egotistical characteristics embodied by the diabolical crab dictatorship. Fortunately, crustacean experts discovered a foolproof way to alter the brain chemistry of the decapods, successfully eradicating the crab control of Crisfield. Consequently, Santiago gave up his leadership role of the shellfish, returning to his home in the Eastern Seaboard, buried beneath crusty coral reefs and berating barnacles.
The process of mind control in the crab realm revolves around a series of hypnosis techniques. Firstly, the method sheds light on the underlying motive of crab emotional instability, something called ATP, which stands for Aggressive Tendency to Pinch. Funded by Krebs, and subsequently titled “The Krebs Cycle”, the psychological manipulation occurs due to a pollutant in the Atlantic ocean, an enzyme which weakens the carapace, infiltrating the blood stream of the crabs, cutting off an important oxygen supply to the brain, leaving the crustaceans apathetic and lazy, without the means to take over the world.
The discovery of this indoctrinating technique started due to a series of experiments conducted previously in the 19th century, which deemed the brain capacity of decapods lacking when exposed to the air pressures of underwater volcanoes. With this knowledge, analysts determined a way to brainwash arthropods through cerebral hypoxia. Undoubtedly, the astute decision to restrict oxygen proved brilliant. By weakening the crab’s mental bandwidth, Kreb’s troops curbed the rising threat of total decapod domination, leaving the modern world with emotionally inept marine life, rather than sadistic saltwater species. Thanks to the keen decision-making and stewardship from the president of the Eastern states, Krebs, the world, as we know it, lives on, free of the decapod despotism, as a result of the efficiently constructed Krebs cycle.
Vocab:
- Crustaceans: Large group of mostly aquatic arthropods (hard segmented exoskeleton, jointed appendages, etc)
- Decapods: diverse order of crustaceans (lobsters, crabs, shrimp, etc)
- Brachyura: infraorder of decapod crustaceans (typically referred to as true crabs)