By Josie Barker and Naomi Volinsky
Rules for numbers as hands: the numbers do not have the same privileges as phalanges. You are not given the benefit of fingers. Basically just a palm x2.
*Side note: 0 is not included in this tier list because I would’ve gone absolute ham when rating it because it is good for nothing. Just a worst version of eight, another good for nothing, numerical nightmare)*
#1
If you woke up in the middle of the night and discovered your trusty appendages are in fact two number ones, I’m sure you would be absolutely appalled. However, this is not one of the worst numerals to get stuck with. Great for stirring, poking, and pressing, number one definitely does not land on the bottom of our “ranking numbers as hands” list. However, there’s not much grip on this guy! No curve whatsoever on number one! Yes, there is a small divot at the end, but this number doesn’t act as anything more than a mere prod!
#2
With perfect little fishing hooks taking the spot of your phalanges, you’re sure to be the life of the party with twos as hands. They provide a wonderful spot to hang your purses, grab the handle of a cup, and are top tier for a pirate costume! Where they shine in their handiness, they lack in symmetry, deeming an entire half of your hand extremely useless. Still, compared to the other numbers in this list, twos are quite handy (hand joke).
#3
Super good for sandwiching a mug between both hands, but not so good when you need to prod or poke, threes are an uncertainty on our list. First off, similar to eight and nine’s curvature, three does not provide the user with much wiggle room when it comes to writing. However, it can be pretty handy (haha)! Three is the magic number, as we know, and their robust size makes it perfect for any outdoor activity, like gardening, climbing, and even opening cans for your dear grandma using your very own can openers! Gonna be tough to find gloves for these ol’ things.
#4
The multitasker. While your left hand is poking your significant other, your right hand can be a great flat surface for your recently made miso soup. Sit back and relax on your couch while one hand does all the gadgety work (changing the TV channels), while the other is a platter for your thick ice cream. THE lazy. THE number. BUT… fours lack any grip and will leave you shattered trying to turn on the sink after a hard day of poking. This puts you at a severe disadvantage compared to all your five—fingered companions and they may begin to notice your lack of digits.
#5
Not too shabby. Number five isn’t in a drought in the curve department, and definitely doesn’t lack any sharp edges. A number of both worlds, five delivers the advantages a hook possesses, and the helpful factors a straight edge has. Number 5 is the holy grail for a carpenter, geometrist, and a fisherman. Imagine taking your college entrance exam and you realize oh my goodness, I really need a perfectly sculpted triangle right now, but I left my protractor at my grannies. Don’t worry, hope isn’t gone yet, number five is undoubtedly PERFECT for getting those nice clean lines in a right triangle. Boom! Aced your test. Number five, we give you a thumbs up (thumb joke).
#6
Six is confusing. So much curve for so little reward. Nonetheless, six is a far better number to have then most and has a pleasant little hook which is perfect for swiping a hat from your neighbor without them noticing. Sixes exudes a cool chill vibe with even the name simply screaming chic. Sixxxxxx. Like a snake. Six isn’t the best number, but far from the worst.
#7
It’s alright.
#8
Useless piece of garbage. Last place. Holy moly. Only curves. Only curves. The only thing this number is somewhat good for is as a stand-in cookie cutter of a snowman on Christmas eve. Otherwise, this number flat out stinks. Slipping and sliding all over the place, how are you supposed to scrub a dub dub with these appendages in the shower? What a terrible soap holder! Gosh! No sharp tool to get into any crevices, and no flat edges whatsoever to use as a makeshift ruler! How could one function? Terrible number to get stuck with. Wait, on second thought, as a hot-heated person, this number would be the most PERFECT fist. Other than that, no.
#9
Oh boy. If only I could flip this stupid useless number upside down and use it like it’s rightside up counterpart, number six. The ONLY way to give this number any use whatsoever is by having your elbows up in the most awkward position all day to use as a stand in coat rack. Unless you are a forever boxer, kick these hands to the curb, because assaulting other people’s faces is the only thing they are remotely good for. Watch out John Cena, Naomi Volinsky with fury fists of number nine are coming for you. Left digging for grip like a lost puppy, nines would make any arts and crafts project a total nightmare. Say goodbye to that A in art.
#10
Okay, you know what they say, the more the merrier, however, I’m going to have to firmly disagree in this instance. Quality over quantity! This number, although similar to five with its curves and straight edges, is double the trouble (get it because 5 x 2 = 10)! Honestly, ten’s bulk only gets in the way. I wouldn’t wish this integer on my worst enemy, simply because I think your life would be over once owning these as paws. Never could you fit into any mittens again, tens are only a disappointment in a small world of digits.