Disclaimer: this entire article has been approved by Gio Arteaga and is a joke, and in no way is meant to make fun of or offend anyone of the LGBTQ community through the stereotypes or other content used in this article.
Giovanni Michael Arteaga is not gay. You heard me right: he is not gay. Now, I know the evidence towards Gio’s homosexuality is overwhelming—his accent, his strut, his long nails, his frequent exclamations of “Slay!!!,” his revulsion to the gym, or even his love for Ariana Grande. But, all these signs of his so-called “gayness” are actually symptoms of another affliction: lycanthropy.
Yes, you heard me right: Gio is a werewolf.
Of course, I know it seems unbelievable that Gio, in all his frailty, could possibly be a werewolf—a creature known for immense physical strength. But just hear me out, and you will be enlightened.
To begin with, Gio’s unique way of speaking, which has previously been attributed to his…preferences, actually comes from the fact that his lycanthropic fangs prevent him from speaking normally. Have you ever heard Gio speak with a bit of a lisp? Have you seen enormous and unprecedented amounts of saliva leave his mouth when he talks? Gio claims that these occurrences happen due to his Invisalign, but the truth is, it’s because of his werewolf fangs.
Of course, doubters of my theory may claim that Gio doesn’t have fangs, and his teeth look relatively normal; however, let me present you with a counterargument: the reason we don’t see Gio’s fangs is due to one of two reasons. The first: Gio’s fangs only appear when he transforms during a full moon, but the effect the fangs leave in his mouth causes him to talk in his special way for many days after the transformation. The second: Gio had his fangs surgically removed, and the absence of fangs is the true cause of his accent.
Still not convinced? Let me move onto the next topic of discussion: Gio’s strut. Iconic, ground-shaking, eye-catching—Gio’s strut is well known by the majority of Westmont campus; and, for most, remains a sign of his homosexuality. However, that is not the truth. In reality, Gio’s iconic strut comes not from his gayness, but from his lycanthropic transformations. During his metamorphosis, Gio’s bones and body shifts into that of a much larger and broader wolf. Therefore, when he de-transforms, his body remains accustomed to the feeling of these proportions; and so, his walk follows this habit, and thereby becomes much wider, with Gio swinging his hips from side to side with every stride.
On the topic of his transformation, another one of Gio’s characteristics—his long nails—also comes from his metamorphosis. Many people have noticed Gio’s long and luscious nails and simply attributed them to his sexuality, but that is far from the truth: in reality, his nails remain long because they are no simple nails, but rather werewolf claws. Have you ever seen Gio tear into a kiwi with his stiletto-like nails? Have you spotted Gio cutting open a bag of takis with solely his hands? Gio always brushes over these occurrences when I ask about them—seems a bit suspicious to me. You would think he would rave about his nails, maybe paint them some fun colors, but no; instead, he keeps quiet, making sure attention stays off his nails.
If you continue to doubt me, the next piece of evidence should hopefully open your eyes to the truth—Gio’s constant squeals of “slay!!!” or simple yelps of joy (which are especially common when he sees food). Now, you may mistakenly believe that these quirks of Gio come from his male-loving nature, but the real reason comes from his lycanthropy. As a werewolf, Gio constantly “slays” his enemies, and lets out loud yips and squeals while doing so. Therefore, since he is unable to partake in these activities as a human, Gio combines the slaying of his enemies and his yelps into a loud exclamation of “slay!!!!!!” whenever he becomes excited.
Hopefully, by this point, you believe me; but if you still have doubts, don’t fret, I have a couple more points to go over.
As Gio’s best friend, I have noticed his striking revulsion to the gym—or any place similar. And, at first, I simply thought Gio was lazy; but after having my revelation about Gio’s lycanthropy, I realized that in fact this revulsion comes from the fact that the gym looks somewhat similar to a cage. And as a werewolf, Gio is obviously afraid of imprisonment or anything similar. Of course, I’m sure most of Gio’s aversion to any and all exercise comes from his innate lethargy; but at the same time, his revulsion to specifically the gym definitely comes from his cleithrophobia.
And now, for my last piece of evidence: Gio’s love, almost obsession, with Ariana Grande. You may be thinking, what’s wrong with listening to Ariana Grande? Well, let me tell you! As we (hopefully) all know, Ariana hits extremely high notes in her tracks. Notes so high and drawn out I would like to call them…howls. Do you see what I’m getting at? Yes, that’s right, Gio adores Ariana Grande due to the familiarity and kinship he feels with her due to the “howls” in her songs!
If you still don’t believe me, I don’t know what to tell you. All I can say is this: make sure you’re never alone with Gio Arteaga during a full moon.
Second disclaimer: I am Gio Arteaga and I approve of this article.