Basketball has been a part of my life since I was a 2′ 3″ four year-old airballing shots on a five-foot hoop. My parents always took me and my sister to Golden State Warriors games as we grew up, even though neither of us really knew what was going on from 120 feet above the court. But now that I’ve learned the flow of the gameplay and memorized at least one person on each of the 30 teams, I realize that I decide how much I like a player solely based on their attitude—and you can’t be pretty on the outside if you’re not pretty on the inside. That said, here is my entirely subjective rating of the faces of every team in the NBA based on their looks. Disclaimer: this is nothing against any of these players or teams and is solely based on my opinion and nothing else. Additionally, in order to remain unbiased, I’m using ESPN’s photos despite the fact that they aren’t good for making players look good.
Eastern Conference:
- Cade Cunningham, Detroit Pistons (4/10)
The Pistons are such an underground team in the NBA today that you have to give the guy credit for making his team successful. I liked his eyes.
- Jayson Tatum, Boston Celtics (8/10)
The braids are maybe not his best look but his natural hair is. I don’t like the Celtics but this man…
- Jalen Brunson, New York Knicks (5/10)
How do I explain this: his hair isn’t the best but I can’t tell what would look better on him.
- Donovan Mitchell, Cleveland Cavaliers (7/10)
He’s actually not too bad looking, I’m just not a fan of his beard.
- Scottie Barnes, Toronto Raptors (5/10)
Wait, oh my gosh, he looks so merp <3
- Tyrese Maxey, Philadelphia 76ers (4/10)
This man has been putting up some crazy stats since his time in the NBA, but you can’t ignore his beard from his side profile (search it up).
- Paolo Banchero, Orlando Magic (2/10)
I’m crine.
- Bam Adebaya, Miami Heat (8/10)
Him and A’ja are so cute that I have to give him credit for pulling her.
- Lamelo Ball, Charlotte Hornets (4/10)
Anyone who says he’s their celebrity crush is lying.
- Jalen Johnson, Atlanta Hawks (3/10)
So this is who took all my hair.
- Giannis Antetokounmpo, Milwaukee Bucks (7/10)
Giannis is the physical manifestation of “merp.” Argue with the wall.
- Matas Buzelis, Chicago Bulls (5/10)
He has potential, but he also looks like a frat guy who happened to be good at basketball.
- Trae Young, Washington Wizards (2/10)
I feel bad for the guy, he got traded in the middle of a game. But, honestly, Google might be about him being the face of the Wizards because he’s more irrelevant than Anthony Davis.
- Michael Porter Jr., Brooklyn Nets (6/10)
I’m scared to give him a low(er) rating because he looks like he could crush me.
- Tyrese Haliburton, Indiana Pacers (8/10)
He’s just happy to be here.
Western Conference
- Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Oklahoma City Thunder (7/10)
He’s highkey raw, but I also hate how the refs are always giving him calls that aren’t even fouls when other players (*cough* Steph Curry *cough*) never get them.
- Kevin Durant, Houston Rockets (5/10)
I’m still petty that he left the Warriors.
- Victor Wembanyama, San Antonio Spurs (7/10)
He’s not even bad looking, his limbs are just too long for my taste (8’0 wingspan or whatever…).
- Anthony Edwards, Minnesota Timberwolves (8/10)
I hate that he’s good.
- Nikola Jokic, Denver Nuggets (4/10)
I think he’d rather be with his horses.
- LeBron James, Los Angeles Lakers (6/10)
Can he retire now? I’m sick and tired of watching him beat us.
- Devin Booker, Phoenix Suns (8/10)
Wow, they made him orange.
- Stephen Curry, Golden State Warriors (10/10)
No bias, Steph Curry is the best looking player in the NBA, but can we please get the man a little help on the court??
- Kawhi Leonard, Los Angeles Clippers
That damn smirk.
- Damian Lillard, Portland Trailblazers (5/10)
I fear I always forget he exists and then he goes and wins the All-Star Game’s three-point shooting contest and you remember he’s actually good.
- Ja Morant, Memphis Grizzlies (4/10)
I’m very scared of him.
- Cooper Flagg, Dallas Mavericks (10/10)
He went on me and my friend’s hear-me-out cake, but he’s more of a hold-me-back.
- Zion Williamson, New Orleans Pelicans (6/10)
Dear Zion, I’m very sorry for giving you such a low rating. You look like a very kind and caring person outside of your elevated facial hair. Sincerely, Maddie T.
- Lauri Markkanen, Utah Jazz (9/10)
Wait, I like this guy.
- De’Aaron Fox, Sacramento Kings (6/10)
I have personal beef with the Kings.