Dear diary, yesterday was a very eventful, special, and scary day. I woke up in the morning pumped up for my date with Clara, a girl I had been talking to online for the past month. Little did I know, I was in for a huge surprise.
It all started on February 14th. I was all alone and decided to go on dating apps to try to find other people like me, to try and warm up how cold it felt being single, ya’ know? So I met Clara, a really beautiful girl with a smile charming enough to defeat entire armies. The best part was, Clara was the one to slide into my direct messages first. Given my average dating profile of “almost six feet” and “unemployed Asian,” I was really surprised when someone actually took interest in me. Anyways, we talked day and night to each other, and everything was all fine and dandy. I even managed to score a date with Clara, but I wish I never had.
Clara had a habit of being not punctual. Whenever we messaged each other, it took her at least 15-20 seconds to formulate responses. I brushed it off and hoped that she would be on time for our first date at McDonald’s (only place I could afford because remember, I’m unemployed). But of course, she was late to that too. When s(he) did arrive though, my jaw dropped. My jaw dropped not at her enchanting charm, but at his burly build. I couldn’t even speak until I got myself together, and only then did I manage to say to Clara, “You look a lot different from your profile picture.” With the deepest voice known in the cosmos, Clara began telling me that his real name was Clavicular, he thought I was really attractive, he really admired me, and a bunch of other stuff that I didn’t remember. It’s not that I don’t remember, it’s that the pattering of my retreating footsteps left his desperate gesticulations muffled as I ran home.
I’m making two promises to myself today. One is to never date online again, and the other one is to never have a first date at McDonald’s ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to prevent myself from getting catfished by those “looksmaxxing” fellas.