Late last November, my good friend and fellow sophomore here at Westmont High School Evie Salacain introduced me to the glittering world of professional hockey. And while I do truly love the sport in itself, I would be lying if I said some of the players weren’t good looking—I promise I know what icing is. I’ll take you across all four divisions and down the NHL standings as I rank the face of each team according to Google. Disclaimer: this is nothing against any of these players or teams and is solely based on my opinion and nothing else. Additionally, in order to remain unbiased, I’m using ESPN’s photos despite the fact that they’re incredibly unsightly.
Atlantic Division:
- Nikita Kurcherov, Tampa Bay Lighting (3/10)
We’re really not starting off strong here. I think it’s the hair, or rather the lack thereof. He honestly gives off more uncle vibes than husband.
- Dylan Larkin, Detroit Red Wings (4/10)
He’s not entirely bad looking, but he’s not my type. Usually I’m not a big fan of beards but it doesn’t look too bad on him.
- Nick Suzuki, Montreal Canadiens (5/10)
I really don’t understand the appeal of beards to NHL players because he looks 10x better when he’s shaved. He’s got nice eyebrows, though.
- David Pastrnak, Boston Bruins (2/10)
Unfortunately, nothing can save this man. Maybe he just needs a haircut.
- Auston Matthews, Toronto Maple Leafs (2/10)
He kind of looks like Mr. Bobinsky from Coraline…
- Rasmus Dahlin, Buffalo Sabres (4/10)
I think his brows aren’t doing his face justice. I just can’t see them.
- Matthew Tkachuk, Florida Panthers (0/10)
So, take the mullet away from him and give him tweezers for his brows instead.
- Brady Tkachuk, Ottawa Senators (0/10)
Did his brother happen to take the eyebrow genes?
Metropolitan Division:
- Jordan Staal, Carolina Hurricanes (4/10)
All these players are actually a lot older than I was expecting. He’s not too bad, he just doesn’t have hair.
- Mathew Barzal, New York Islanders (4/10)
He isn’t really pulling off the whole Matty Healy look but he was also 10x better looking when he was younger.
- Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals (1/10)
This man is 40 years old. Someone get him out of the league before he gets the rest of his teeth knocked out.
- Matvei Michkov, Philadelphia Flyers (4/10)
I understand that he’s 21 but he literally looks like a child and I can’t get that out of my head. But he’s giving merp so I can’t be too mean.
- Sidney Crosby, Pittsburgh Penguins (5/10)
This man has looked the same since he was drafted in 2005 and I’m all here for it. His ranking is only low because the bar is high. You’ll see what I mean.
- Nico Hischier, New Jersey Devils (6/10)
He’s a prime example of why all men in the NHL should shave their beards.
- Zach Werenski, Columbus Blue Jackets (3/10)
He looks better with a mustache, I promise.
- Mike Zibanejad, New York Rangers (3/10)
He’s just got too much hair. Everywhere.
Central Division:
- Nathan MacKinnon, Colorado Avalanche (3/10)
I don’t know, it just makes me mad that they’re good.
- Jason Robertson, Dallas Stars (7/10)
He gets a high(er) rating because I didn’t even know there were asian people in the league.
- Kirill Kaprizov, Minnesota Wild (6/10)
He looks like he could be a senior in high school.
- Clayton Keller, Utah Mammoth (4/10)
Can we tame his hair, please?
- Roman Josi, Nashville Predators (4/10)
How does one get their hair this tall?
- Connor Bedard, Chicago Blackhawks (9.5/10)
That damn smirk.
- Jordan Binnington, St. Louis Blues (4/10)
His face is very angular. Not a bad thing, just an observation.
- Mark Scheifele, Winnipeg Jets (3/10)
Turn that frown upside down!
Pacific Division:
- Mark Stone, Las Vegas Knights (0/10)
I hate the Knights.
- Connor McDavid, Edmonton Oilers (2/10)
Unfortunately, I can relate to the sparse hair.
- Matty Beniers, Seattle Kraken (7.5/10)
WAITTTTT, WHY HE KINDA…
- Macklin Celebrini, San Jose Sharks (10/10)
You already know.
- Anze Kopitar, Los Angeles Kings (3/10)
I hate the Kings.
- Trevor Zegras, Anaheim Ducks (6/10)
Petition to get NHL players professional barbers.
- Mikael Backlund, Calgary Flames (3/10)
He’s giving dad.
- Quinn Hughes, Vancouver Canucks (3/10)
Bro is still the face of the team he left.