By Roman Soto
My indubitably escapade-ous encounter with South Park character, Eric Cartman, powerful superhero, Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman in Fantastic Four, and plain-ol’ Michael Cera at Denny’s was—to say the least—an adventure; in honor of that fantastic dinner experience, I have, yet again, invited the most interesting individuals of the fictional world and real world to a dinner table: Kanye West, Young Sheldon, and Deadpool. Insults will fly, tensions will be high, but the laughs will come nigh. Without further ado, prepare your mind and eyes for the most elusive piece of writing you have ever read.
To begin this fine event, after diligent efforts to reach the office of Kanye—I mean “Ye”— I was notified that he was, in fact, available to attend the historically momentous meeting that would occur at an IHOP in Cupertino, California. Despite the multitude of verbally idiotic quotations I received from the man due to my incapacity to provide a personal clone to accompany him, the controversially acclaimed rapper finally agreed to the dinner. Easier to reach, I misleadingly offered prodigious student, Young Sheldon (Cooper), the opportunity to meet anonymous geniuses at an IHOP. Without hesitation, he agreed to fly out from Texas, accompanied by a personal assistant carrying numerous wires, ports, and a giant, obsolete desktop computer (“just in case,” he says). Lastly, I reached out to Deadpool…arguably the easiest invitation to a dinner ever; I asked him if he would like to travel from his fictional world to a giant chimichanga factory, complete with an all-you-can-eat buffet featuring actor Bernadette Peters.
I await my guests at the IHOP with a towering stack of pancakes, preparing for a brutal death by decapitation, barrage of politically incorrect, derogatory insults, or an endless lecture on the physics of the universe as a consequence for lying to their faces. The first one to walk in was Young Sheldon—early as ever—he walked over and waved, anticipating Albert Einstein or Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Next, Deadpool walked in with a cup of coffee in one hand and his decapitated head in the other; the explanation was that on the way, his head was chopped off by a helicopter’s blades in an “epic crash,” but the urge to buy a Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks was too tempting. Finally, Ye walked in with an extremely vocal and booming “What’s up, everybody! The life of the part-ay has just entered the building.” After multiple threats and questions about why there were no chimichangas in sight, and the presence of famous physicians, let alone a single power outlet, everyone finally settled in silence as I brought up some topics to spark interactions between the three. Just as I ask the question, Deadpool’s large white eyes shoot open; his comical demeanor and average human senses telling him that a chimichanga is nearby…under the table, in fact. Curious, everyone’s eyes dart to the hairy wrap lying there on the ground. Deadpool, visibly yearning for a taste of the chimichanga, took off his mask, drooling over it, but just as he reached to take a bite, a giant hand shot through the window and grasped Deadpool’s entire body. It was Colossus. As Sheldon lets out a frightful yelp, Ye instinctively shoots the massive metal hand with a hidden Luger pistol and curses at it.
Insult after insult, Colossus’ feelings get more hurt as he thrashes Deadpool’s fragile body from left to right. Meanwhile, Sheldon formulates a plan in the back of the kitchen and attempts to create machinery out of the most random culinary supplies offered in the cramped back of the IHOP. Ultimately, Sheldon emerges from the doors of the kitchen with a handheld particle accelerator and points it at the giant metal man. With a pull of a trigger Colossus shrinks into the accelerator and gets sent back in time. All is quiet at the IHOP and despite the lack of conversation, Deadpool (or what was left of him), Young Sheldon, and Kanye West, all worked together collectively to defeat. In the end, they all came together as they ate hairy chimichangas with Elon Musk and his Kanye clone robots.