Iced matcha in one hand, feminist literature in the other, ‘performative’ men dazzle schools and malls, listening to Clairo in their wired earbuds. This genre of men is often criticized for their pursuit of fitting the female gaze, cultivating an “inauthentic aesthetic that might appeal to progressive women.” We can certainly argue the pros and cons of this aesthetic, but the debate also raises the question: aren’t we all performative?
From the music I listen to to the clothes I buy, many of these items are curated (even if subconsciously) to fit in with some kind of aesthetic perpetuated by my friends and peers. In fact, I have entire Pinterest boards dedicated to each facet of the personality I wish to create. While I try my best to champion my own happiness over the brief satisfaction of inclusion, deciding to stand out or fit in isn’t always easy.
From their adolescence, children observe adults, emulating the behavior of trusted adults to please them. Should a child act out or refuse to participate in a group activity, they often face harsh discipline for their rebellion or exile to a lonely corner. Fearing punishment, toddlers learn to conform to the expectations of the role models around them. After growing up in the aforementioned environment, these children grow up to feel negative impacts on both their physical and mental health when confronted with exclusion. Experiencing loneliness can lead to increased cortisol levels, a hormone responsible for stress. As a result, socially-isolated people face increased risk of dementia, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and subsequently premature death. People should not have to put on a different personality to gain friendships just to avoid the dangerous effects of exclusion.
Furthermore, once children reach high school, they typically form cliques with those of similar ethnicity, age, gender, and interests as themselves. In studying the hierarchy of these groups, researchers have found that they often have “group leaders” who approve of new members, particularly in female friend groups. Thus, potential teenagers looking to make friends must put on a persona appealing to the person of highest authority, even if it means hiding their true identity. Additionally, people can weaponize cliques to make them instruments of peer pressure. Increased popularity is often “associated with [increased] alcohol use and sexual intercourse,” compared to those deemed less popular (Figure 1). The need to fit in with those at the top of the social ladder overrides the many lessons on the risk of substance abuse explicitly taught to students beginning in middle school.
Overall, children are conditioned to believe that keeping up with societal norms should take priority over engaging in their own independent interests. From mimicking adults to ensuring inclusion in one’s friend group, this emphasis on ‘acting’ for each other only serves to degrade our self-worth. Truly, it’s the performance of a lifetime.
Figure 1
The percentage of males and females at different levels of likeability engaging in sexual intercourse.