My therapist once told me that some days, you’ll wake up with only 50% to give. She asked, “If you give your all with that 50%, is that enough for the day?” As a stressed-out student, I scoffed through my tears, insistently saying no, determinedly believing that even if I only had 50% to give, I needed to push myself to give 100%, even at the expense of my health.
For years, I relentlessly pursued an ideal I could never reach. In the process, I burned myself out, worked myself to the ground for a grade, and stressed endlessly from the pressure. I constantly compared myself to others. I competed with my peers, beating myself up for not getting a high enough grade. I believed that if I was able to get a better grade and be smarter I’d finally be happy.
But after years of seeking this fleeting desire, I could finally look around me and see the damage these comparisons had done to my mind and body. It was a Sisyphean task, achieving perfection, because the standard I set for myself was always getting higher and higher with every comparison. Learning to unlearn these harmful beliefs I had built for myself was hard work, but after lots of practice, I finally comprehended that everyone’s version of the best is different. My peers and their achievements didn’t undermine mine at all, it was never meant to be a competition because we were all running our races at different paces. We are all a work in progress. Everyone has their struggles and difficulties. It is our job to live our lives on our terms, not on the terms of other people.
Now that I’m older, I realize that my best was enough. Life has a funny way of working things out. Although I didn’t get into my dream school, even though I gave it my all and it wasn’t enough for the colleges, I realized that my all was enough for me. Life doesn’t always go as planned, but that doesn’t mean it’s going wrong.
I am proudly attending college in the fall at UC Santa Cruz. Even though it wasn’t my first choice, I’m extremely grateful for the journey that got me to where I am today. After committing, I found out my cousin is attending graduate school for Marine Biology at UCSC and that we will be able to reconnect next year. I already met new friends and discovered a fun community of people, making me even more ecstatic about the Fall.
I am here to tell you that you will be okay. Even if life doesn’t work out as you expected it to– even if you don’t win the award you’ve been working for, even if you don’t receive the grade you expected, even if you flunk a test you studied for, this is life. It’s messy, complicated, and full of hurdles, but the best thing that we can do is take it in stride. By trying my best, not the best determined by others’ standards, I found happiness greater than I’d ever expected. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you. And that’s more than enough.