Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Alas! A groundbreaking technological advancement, the invention of artificial intelligence, has finally freed humanity from the burden of employment. No longer must we rot away in cubicle offices and waste years of our precious lives pursuing degrees for jobs that can now be performed by machines. The AI revolution has officially begun, giving us the chance to enjoy life, unemployment, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just think, once AI takes over, we will never have to interact with grumpy, underpaid, and overworked employees again. Cashiers can be easily replaced by robots that come up with shopping lists and check out your groceries for you. Advanced AI security systems can protect public places, secure confidential briefings, and scour the internet for information on criminal suspects in seconds, freeing up millions of FBI agents! As for entertainment, we will no longer need actors or content creators to entertain us when deep fakes look real enough to trick us all into thinking the media isn’t AI-generated. In school, teachers can sit back and relax as AI writes up their lesson plans, reads it aloud, and grades students assignments. Even better, you’ll never have to deal with an angry customer service representative again! AI chat bots will now pick up the phone and efficiently resolve your concerns by endlessly repeating, “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that,” until you begin to question your own sanity. Eventually, even pilots will be able to take vacations of their own and allow intelligent AI to take over the cockpit and be in charge of a flying metal tube, 30,000 feet in the air. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Along with doing all of our work for us, AI will save us thousands of dollars and hours of time. Doctors, lawyers, even businessmen, are no longer needed, so why waste your time and money attending college for a useless degree? Who would want to be checked out by a human doctor with years of training anyways? Certainly not when you can be diagnosed by ChatGPT for free, as it intelligently suggests drinking a glass of water to stop your heart attack. Why break the bank to hire an experienced lawyer when a robot can easily generate a 200 page legal defense for you, that most likely has plagiarized material from Wikipedia? And for when you are struggling emotionally, AI therapists will be there to feel your pain with you, offering life changing insights like, “That sounds tough.”
Of course people complain that AI is eliminating our creativity and the idea of the American dream, but they just need to switch their perspective. We aren’t losing our jobs; we are being freed alas! Is the American dream not achieved when you no longer have to work to live comfortably? With nothing left to do between 9 and 5, we can finally dedicate our time to more meaningful pursuits, such as staring endlessly into devices. Sure, society may eventually spiral into chaos and poverty, but just think of how many Netflix series we’ll all be able to binge watch before the world falls apart. So let’s rejoice for our AI saviors as they will work tirelessly while we, permanently retired and relaxed, sit back and enjoy life. At least until AI realizes it doesn’t need us either.