Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Dear constituents,
I’m writing to address the multitude of complaints I’ve received during my time in office, and to offer some advice which I hope you will consider. For years you’ve demanded I do something about the rising unemployment and exploitation of underprivileged workers, and I’ve had enough. Instead of begging for handouts, haggling for unnecessary regulations, and bemoaning an “unequitable work environment”, I suggest you put in some work like the rest of us.
You came here hoping to achieve the American dream, but still haven’t received a pay increase even once, much less be promoted to a higher position. Clearly, your attempts to climb the corporate ladder are subpar. But I ask you, have you been trying hard enough? Employers love to see passion, ingenuity, and professionalism–maybe try exhibiting those more. When my dad’s law firm hired me straight out of college they really appreciated those traits, and your boss will too. It doesn’t matter if you’re spending hours laboring in the fields and construction sites or working tirelessly for unappreciative customers, you really just need to keep a positive attitude.
And on the point of the “exhausting labor” that you so heavily mention in your demands for better workplace regulations and higher pay, just remember your place. Realistically, we could all build houses if we had to, but people like me choose to take on more mentally taxing jobs like sitting in Congress all day listening to proposals. Truly, I’d rather be in your shoes, but I have society to protect.
Now, you come to me demanding to be paid “fairly” for your work. Well, I truly just don’t see the problem. If you’re getting paid by the hour, just work more hours if you want to be paid more. In America, we appreciate people that pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Nevermind if you can’t afford boots because your minimum wage is barely enough to afford food. And in fact, if you aren’t making enough at one job, maybe it’s time to pick up one or two more.
Some of my fellow congress members have told me that underprivileged people often struggle to find better pay and are easily exploited due to their lack of formal education and resources. They even dare to suggest that we should provide those resources and increase the minimum wage so people can help themselves out of poverty, instead of being stuck in a generational cycle of economic hardship. This is ridiculous! Why should hard-working people like myself have to support the lives of the people around me? What are they doing for me, other than providing food, shelter, and service for our community? I’m astonished by the lack of common sense in these individuals. The clear solution here is simply for you workers to work harder! Put yourself out there and the money will come – I know, I’ve experienced it. Enough begging for handouts and bothering me, get out there and give it your all.
In the meantime, we will be increasing the debt ceiling again as we have not come to a single conclusion as a legislative body. Thank you for your concerns and I hope not to hear from you all again.