By Neelasha Sudarshan
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
The American government is filled with old people. President Donald Trump is 78 years old, and his predecessor Joe Biden is 81. Just 5% of the U.S. Congress is under the age of 40. Old-aged US lawmakers often struggle to grasp and directly address the core issues that challenge young Americans (1).
To put simply, we need more young blood in the U.S. government. Thankfully, President Trump’s “special government employee” Elon Musk is tackling this issue head-on. After creating DOGE (The US Department of Government Efficiency), Musk appointed six men, all under the age of 26, in high-power roles. The youngest of the DOGE team is 19-year-old Edward Coristine, also known by his LinkedIn username “Big Balls.”
As Americans, we should be grateful that our sensitive information and government programs are in the hands of the experienced, mature DOGE boys. This is the right way to bring more young Americans into government positions! Hire them through a political third party like Elon Musk, give them huge amounts of authority over other parts of government(2), and most of all: ensure they are as unqualified as possible. The worse their digital footprint, the better! Hiring kids still in college to run a new federal office? Great: they’re guaranteed to be controlled by Elon Musk’s big bucks and extremist political views. That way, we can ensure that our government is riddled with young greedy people instead of old greedy people! Just what America needs.
In fact, why stop with college-age students? The younger they are, the easier they will be puppeted by America’s favorite mega-billionaire. I propose that we entirely reorient our education system to prime America’s youth to abide by Elon Musk’s every whim and fancy.
In a tweet (I mean, uh, an X?) Musk proclaimed that the DOGE team includes “some of the world’s best software engineers.” If engineering is what Musk wants, it is what he shall receive! Gone are the days of government employees having a robust knowledge of key political and community issues. Schools must begin to teach students nothing but software engineering. Imagine it! Day in and day out, instead of engaging in ethical discussions or reading literature, students will only be hunched over the blue light of their computers, their fingers clacking away. And forget books like To Kill a Mockingbird that feature a white lawyer risking his societal leverage and safety to represent a falsely accused Black man. Or Animal Farm, which warns us of a society in which the ruling class dictates the lives of the many. What will that do, teach our students to advocate for the marginalized and protest an oligarchic government? Pfft, no thanks! We must direct all our resources to tending to Elon Musk’s ego and paranoia.
And for the love of God, DON’T tell these students how Musk’s prerogative to slash federal funding has coincidentally excluded his own contracts with the US Department of Defense. Right now, they believe that Trump & Musk’s “government efficiency” protocols will reduce the taxes their families pay. DON’T show them that Trumps’ tax proposals will actually increase taxes for every American making under $360,000 a year(3). If you do, they might start to believe that the only way we’ll actually be taxed less is if billionaires pay their fair share—exactly what the Trump-Musk Administration is trying to avoid. We can’t have them thinking those crazy thoughts! It would get so much harder to manipulate them.
Of course, there’s a slim chance that a few students will remain untouched by all of our propagan- uh, all of our education. We have to stifle that hope rebellion, so let’s bombard them with crazed headlines from every possible direction. They’re overwhelmed by the plane crashes, the near-14th amendment violation, the 19-year-old DOGE leader, and the N*zi salute(4)? Good. Just make sure they don’t know how to self-regulate, and that overwhelming feeling will become so paralyzing they stop trying at all.
Teach them nihilism. Teach them hopelessness. Tell them nothing they do will work, so they do nothing at all. And just to be extra-clear…
A Complete List of Everything NOT To Teach Students
- Self-Regulation: The human senses are quickly overwhelmed when bombarded by information from news and social media, and authority figures use this to their advantage. You gain regain power over your emotional state with self-regulatory techniques like:
- Supportive touch—place your hand over your chest or your opposite arm and breathe deeply.
- Meditation—sitting in stillness works, but look into chanting meditations if you have a hyperactive mind.
- Journaling—simply write out your thoughts or use specific prompts, like with shadow work.
- Calling Your Senator: May seem pointless but calls are super important. They are how Senators gauge public awareness about specific topics. Bring up what you’re concerned about to Senator Schiff and Senator Padilla.
- If you’re not sure what to say, look into example scripts and video tutorials.
- What to do during ICE Raids: These have been happening more frequently in accordance with Trump’s anti-immigration policy.
- You have rights, including filming the officers, staying silent, leaving your door closed, and refusing to sign anything.
- Career decisions: Once you hold a college degree, you have more power than you think to make a positive impact on the world. Read through the 80,000 Hours Career Guide to find out how you can work on the world’s most dire issues.
- Community Building: We are always stronger together, and people in power don’t want that to happen. Strengthen ties with your community by organizing potlucks, attending volunteer events, and trading skills/help with each other.
DON’T teach them that hope is not lost, and that their actions can absolutely make a difference (see list above). DON’T teach them that money is not enough for people like Musk—they are deeply insecure, and derive their power from the fear of the people. By reclaiming power over their emotions and choosing to make a positive impact, people can help create a government that works for the 99%, not the 1%. Stop them before they try!
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(1) The United States is a gerontocracy–read Business Insider’s analysis of why this is problematic here.
(2) Although DOGE has significant control over government costs, their power has recently been limited due to a federal judge blocking DOGE’s access to government payment systems.
(3) Find the analysis of Trump’s tax proposals here.
(4) The Trump administration’s several executive orders in the first few days of office created “shock and awe,” a tactic used to induce overwhelm and panic.