By Owen Andersen and Averi Halbert
Formula One racing. Like flies to an electric bug zapper, or a small diabetic child to Coca-Cola, the masses march towards the spectacles of F1.
The racing.
Zoom
The crashing.
Neeeouuhh Shhhhcadoosh
The victories.
Yippee!!!
The defeats.
Awwwwwww
The..hot men?
Oooooooo
But the audiences don’t know that they’re also tuning in for… their demise!
Formula One has heralded the insidious decline of those good old-fashioned values upon which we used to rely, in America and across the globe! Through the breakdown in a family unit, plus the targeting of the young and vulnerable (Marina Halbert), F1 seeks total societal decay.
As demonstrated in this study I found, those who partake in the F1 watchenings become isolated from their families, opening the door for maliciously mischievous influences. Reportedly, those who watch F1 instead of spending time with the family dog, or doing crossfit with their mothers(?), or walking the family goldfish, are at least three times more likely to develop insomnia/sleep apnea, and even suffer the rare terminal condition of Spontaneo-Combusto-DeSelfo (it’s French). What’s more, those who consume the content of F1 demonstrate goblin-like tendencies and schizophrenic hallucinations. Victims of F1 Sickness (as it is widely known in the medical community) develop hoarding habits, particularly involving small trinkets and F1 paraphernalia. Reportedly, they suffer horrid visions of F1 driver phantasms, whispering notions of breaking the speed limit… on a school night! Thus, F1 and the madness the “sport” instills harbingers the dissolution of humanity within the individual, catalyzing the senseless destruction of the family unit, ultimately putting to sleep the good ole’ American spirit that has kept us going.
Marina, well known for her extreme, almost obsessive, love of F1 has been a beneficial case study to all doctors studying this intrusive sickness. Take particular note of all F1 articles within Issue 9, at least one in every section, with various topics with no connections to the races other than one cult-like follower. In recent times, Marina has learned of a fellow F1 fanatic (her sister and Westmont Alumni Alli Halbert) who has come into the possession of a treasured object…playing cards. Within seconds, Marina’s mental state transitioned from her typical frenzied and stressed state to extreme obsessive manic. An astounding reaction, perhaps one could say…of a goblin??? Perchance??? On occasion, observers might catch Marina adorning some of the accouterments of F1, sporting a Ferrari jacket (even though according to her list, Ferrari ranks as number three, not even the first). As she drives, Marina mutters about how slow everyone is driving. Marina has single-handedly brought about an insurmountable divide in the Halbert family through endless (stupid) arguments with Alli over who is truly the bigger fan—a question yet to be answered. Perhaps…a question that shall remain unanswered. For what is the goal of F1 fanship? Appreciation…or…perchance…global destruction?
Ultimately, but also in the end, and overall; in short—to surmise, F1 is a sickness. One we must stop. For the fate of humanity, the universe, but most of all, America.
Ca Caaaw and other freedom related noises