By A Very Dilapidated Senior (Owen Andersen)
Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. The Swift that never ceases…to Taylor!
Woosh!
What’s that?
Why, it must be the sound…
of Swiftness!
Aaaahhhh!
I was on Yahoo Finance on the 18th of February, 2024, don’t ask why, and I saw something a little mind boggling. During her supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Era’s Tour, Swift was reportedly making $27 million dollars a show. For those of you in on-level math courses, that’s $9 million dollars an hour, or $2,500 a second. Yes, a second. According to USA Today the average monthly income of 2023’s 4th quarter was $4,949. The “I’m the problem, it’s me” girl makes that much in two seconds of a three hour concert; she could pay $5,000 a month in cost of living for 450 years, off one of her shows. I’m sorry gang, I know it violates my nature as a red blooded American, but that sorta wealth disparity really gets my hammer and sickle senses a-tingling.
How do you even qualify that sorta cash? What do you do with that sorta money? How is it rational or justifiable, by any Olympic level mental gymnastics, for someone to make actual billions of dollars for singing College Board poetry MCQ level lyrics with an instrumental that quantum superpositions between under and overproduced? The answer: you can’t, because Taylor Swift isn’t real.
There I said it. You were all thinking it. Fact check that, Keira DeVita, page editor of the Taylor Swift page.
Allow me to elaborate: the character of Taylor Swift is a government psy-op, designed to break the spirit of the working man, by making so much money it makes 40 year careers look like summertime lemonade stands. In reality, “Taylor” is a genetically modified clone of Zeena LaVey, a Berlin based artist and spokesperson for the Church of Satan.
Splicing LaVey’s charismatic passion for satanism with five chords on an acoustic guitar, the NSA, like Victor Frankenstein from Marry Shelley’s Frankenstein, brought their creation to life. Only instead of lightning they used…Girl power…or something, I don’t know, fill in the blanks with your own jokes you ingrates. Since Swift’s knacks for songwriting and performance were naturally endowed from the government and or God, the only thing left for the scientists that created this 5’11 marketing unit was to bestow an unimposing, indistinct, Pennsylvania girl type name. Taylor Swift. It’s the TS in T.S. Elliot.
Now, a billionaire millennial with millions of kool-aid drinking fans that will viciously gang stalk old white republicans on Twitter, Taylor Swift aptly serves as the ultimate deterrent to even trying anymore. Swiftly, Taylor gulps up the income of all the middle aged parents vicariously, by selling merch and “vinyl records” to their teenage children (whatever “viny” is supposed to be—sounds like another attempt by Congress to break us down). Thus, Swift not only disillusions the masses with her ceaseless wealth, she also drains their income through their children, like a really screwed up dystopian Dracula.
At the end of the day, I’m just upset that Taylor Swift has more money than I do than people who deserve it, like my Mom.
In conclusion, through the desolation of the working class’ spirit and the siphoning of income from families across the nation, Taylor Swift codifies herself as a government made psy-op designed to keep the people down.
I’m Joe Columbo, and I’ll see you next week when I discover where Kendrick intends to hide Drake’s body.