Breathe in and breathe out; do not let the anxiety consume you. As I reminisce on the past four years, several ups and downs have preceded me, yet all I can think about is how grateful I am for this experience. Everyone says that high school will go fast, but you truly do not understand what they mean until you are sitting in your high school English class, a couple of weeks away from graduation, and wondering where all the time went. Although these past four years have flown by, I can not stress the importance of breathing and taking a moment for yourself so anxiety does not control your life.
Breathe in and breathe out. Gosh, I remember in eighth grade when I sat with my friends on Facetime over quarantine and planned out every class I would take. I was so sure of my plan: take as many APs as humanly possible, go to a good college, major in biology, and go to medical school to become a dermatologist. I still remember the night when the girls I no longer talk to held my hand through the screen and helped me plan my future. Even though the world around me felt like it was ending due to the pandemic, I felt so ready for high school. Although slightly anxious, driven by ambition and ego, I felt determined to succeed.
Breathe in and breathe out. I remember freshman year and how the year felt nonexistent. I would sleep in my classes and lazily go through my day so I could enjoy the afternoons with my mom. I remember thinking that high school felt so easy online; the anxiety did not consume me this year. Although COVID-19 took over our world, I felt safe in my bubble and wanted to continue my way of life forever.
Breathe in and breathe out. I remember sophomore year when the anxiety consumed me. I forgot to take time to breathe in and breathe out because, after COVID, the world seemed to move just a little too fast. August turned into June within the blink of an eye. Sophomore year consumed me as I befriended the seniors in the theater department, and I threw parties upon parties in hopes that they would fill the void within me. I never took the time to appreciate the moment, because I was so consumed with existing in a post-pandemic world. After my friends graduated, I felt so empty, and that is when the panic attacks started. Day after day I could not breathe, I could not move, and I felt trapped in my body as the anxiety took over my lungs and entire being. I could not breathe in and breathe out because I never tried to. Sophomore year was wild, reckless, and free, and the anxiety ate me up.
Breathe in and breathe out. I remember junior year, also known as my recovery year. Although the year started with heat waves and panic attacks, I finally learned how to start breathing in and out, appreciating every moment I encountered. I learned to appreciate the mundane days in Journalism with Andy Evans, the exhilarating times in wood shop with Brett Petersen, and even the anxiety-filled hours with Diane Leo in AP Lang when we had to write our essays. I remember applying to the Middle College program and feeling conflicted as to whether I should go or not (I ended up going). But most importantly, I learned to breathe in and out. When I found anxiety consuming me, I would simply breathe and take life one day at a time. This year, I realized how loved I was at Westmont after I decided to leave the school for my senior year. From Evans giving me a big hug, to all my friends saying their goodbyes during finals, I realized that there is so much more to life than anxiety and succeeding academically. Junior year was thrilling, patient, and filled with anxiety-filled laughter.
Breathe in and breathe out. I remember senior year and how I felt immensely stressed over the summer because I did not know what I wanted to do with my life. I half-hastily majored in mechanical engineering because the subject sounded vaguely interesting—I ended up falling in love with it! I remember attending my first college classes and loving them and the environment I was surrounded by. I remember visiting Journalism and greeting everyone with hugs and laughs because the world did not end when I decided to go to college. I remember turning 18 and going on adventures with Leef Orr to get tacos and to watch her and Anna Genna perform their last fall and spring plays. Anna and Leef truly kept me afloat senior year and I can not express how thankful I am for their love and support. I remember the beginning of the spring semester, how the anxiety consumed me for the first seven weeks, and how hard I had to fight to breathe in and out every single day. But now, with three weeks left, I can confidently say that I can breathe in and out again. I learned about Formula 1 over spring break and felt a calling for my career, to become an engineer for one of the teams. I feel extremely sentimental about senior year because of all the memories that I have made in this wild and crazy year but I cannot feel anything but thankful for all the love and support that I have through Westmont.
Breathe in and breathe out. Reflecting on this journey I can proudly say that although I did not take all the APs, find a cure for cancer, or even commit to a four-year university, I did learn to breathe in and out and take life one day at a time. These past four years have flown by in an instant, but by taking the time to breathe in and out, I can truly appreciate the moment instead of worrying about what I have to do next. As for the future, eighth-grade me would find my life shocking due to my plans to go to community college, major in mechanical engineering, and then hopefully move to the UK to do my master’s in motorsport engineering. However, I think she would feel extremely proud of me for surviving the madness and beauty of high school. Although I will never stop planning out my future, I know that sometimes I have to stop and look at the birds outside and the way that the grass moves when the wind hits the soft green blades just right. I am so grateful for my high school experience and for learning to breathe in and breathe out over these past four years.