So, you’re taking AP Lit. Are you scared? Little baby? You gonna cry? Gonna wet yourself? Gonna vomit? Spit on people? Ew you so stinky? Yes! But not for much longer. Not on my watch. Today, I’m finally imparting my survival skills, developed in room 58 under the primal eye of Andy Evans, instructor supreme of AP Literature curriculum. The following are tips, tricks, and tidbits everybody currently in AP Lit wished they knew before walking in. For extra benefit, you should perform a cerebral-spinal injection of this information so my wisdom can properly marinate your brain.
- First and foremost, Mr. Evans is a cannibal and will eat you – Just a heads up, be prepared for some missing classmates. As a note, this is what happens when you don’t have a clear and concise thesis in an essay. Thankfully, this informative fact can be subverted by my next trick…
- Never come to class unprepared – Always expect a combat scenario prior to entering the classroom. For all you know, Evans has already concocted some malicious machinery or dubious plot to be your undoing. This is why you should always: A) check your corners, sometimes he waits for people to walk by before snatching them up, hiding them in the rafters, and B) always be armed, preferably with both a long-range weapon and a melee of some kind. A medieval broadsword is always a class favorite since it’s a fashionable melee weapon with reach, but personally, I prefer a collage of six black powder musket pistols with a full black powder rifle, and a bayonet attachment on hand, just as the founding fathers intended.
- Essays have a structure; follow it or be tased – Evans illuminates a clear formula for a strong essay, one which you should follow to a tee. Or, accept a prolonged tasing from a police-grade Axon Taser X26P, if you’re into that.
- Remember, the authors of the passages you read would probably fail the MCQ too – When you take a multiple choice quiz on a provided passage, you’re not actually supposed to analyze what the author’s trying to say. No, in reality, you’re hypothesizing what the college board thinks the author’s trying to say. Think of MCQs as a three-person game of telephone, only the person in the middle is deaf in one ear and also charges you $100 to play.
- Participate or Evans will decapitate! – By participating, you actually dramatically increase your chance of survival. When you raise your hand a lot, Evans assumes that you’re a bit more extroverted than the scared, huddled masses surrounding you. Now, most assume this points you out as an obvious target for Evans’ lunch, but that’s entirely incorrect. In reality, your participation convinces Evans that you’re a little more on the extroverted side, and thus have a greater presence on and off campus, making you a harder target to eat as he suspects there may be people who will come looking for you. Knowing your yee yee ah self, you’re probably not any of that, but by participating, you convince Evans that you are, thus securing yourself a little more time.
- Form a tribe! It’s fun, and betters your survival odds – Evans’ approach with seating stays pretty laissez faire, so surround yourself with people you know, and don’t know. It’s wise to have a balance of both people you cherish and people you wouldn’t totally mind going without. Why? Well, when I say bettering your survival odds, it’s not because Evans is afraid of big groups, it’s just easier for you to blend in when there are plenty of targets around you. Moreover, having a couple of really intelligent people right by your side could aid in combating Evans’ malevolent machinations from time to time.
- When the time comes, just say “Hamlet is crazy.” – It’s like a class cheat code. You won’t get it now, but when Evans inevitably asks whether or not you believe the dashing Denmark prince either acts or is crazy, tell him you believe Hamlet is actually insane, even if he’s acting in the beginning. At this point, Evans will test you; try and dup you out, but just remain steadfast, and eventually, you’ll learn the secret.
- Finally, accept the fact that you’re going to suffer – It’s a grind dude. AP Lit’s a lot of fun, but it’s not a breeze. Even if you walk in with a couple of 5s under your belt, you’ll still get clotheslined by an MCQ or two. That’s okay, I think Evans does it on purpose. The testing goal of AP Lit, and any well-taught AP class, has always been to make the May exam seem like a cakewalk; if you can tackle Evans, the college board doesn’t stand a chance. Even with that in mind, you’ll probably still feel bad when you fail, that’s natural. Go ahead, go home and cry a little if you want to, nobody will judge you on that mark. Just keep in mind the following: A) you don’t suck B) crashing and burning is just part of the process, and most of all, C) it gets better.
I hope you take my advice and use it as a sturdy shield and sharpened sword in your most noble pursuit of a good grade on the AP exam. Good luck, and may whatever god you pray to have mercy on your impish soul.