The following is a transcript of the 2024 Premature Presidential Debate between Candidate Sneed and Incumbent Shlippendor, moderated by Anderson Cooper, Silver Fox of CNN.
Cooper: Hello America, welcome to the Premature Presidential Debate between the two heir-apparent party candidates; please welcome to the stage President Shlippendor and Candidate Sneed. *Pause for applause.* Welcome gentlemen. Let’s get straight into it shall we? I’ll start with a simple question: why should the American people vote for you? We’ll hear from the incumbent first.
Shlippendor: Thank you Anderson Cooper, Silver Fox of CNN. Now that’s a very simple question. The American people—-now, I trust the American people. No matter how dire the time of darkness may be, we always rise to do what’s right, and in the end it starts in the polls. Well…it might not always start in the..uh..but it sure ends there *chuckles lightly.* But…like I said, In the end… the American people, always, and I mean always, vote for the American people. And that’s what Mr. Sneed doesn’t understand, that the American people—
Sneed: Wrong. Wrong. I understand very well that—
Cooper: Mr. Sneed, you’ll get your turn in a moment, please allow the President to finish.
Shlippendor: Thank you Anderson, now what I was saying was…was, that you’ve got to know that…the American people will not go down without a fight. The American people will not give in when the going gets tough. The American people know that if they just keep pushing, they’ll reach our goals and change the world. So will I, because I am the American People.
Cooper: I see, that’s a fascinating perspective Mr. President. Onto you Mr. Sneed.
Sneed: Thank you Mr. Cooper, Silver Fox of CNN, you know I gotta say I really love your work. You do really great work. You do some of the best work. Now I don’t always agree with you. We don’t agree on a lot of things. But really, great work. Just great work. Mr. Shlippendor on the other hand, he doesn’t do very great work. He does very bad work actually. And we know. We know Shlippendor. You’re past your prime and everybody knows. China knows it. Russia knows it. The cartels know. I know it. America knows it. We all talk about it when you’re not around.
Cooper: Mr. Sneed please, let’s stay on topic.
Sneed: Well, here’s the thing: everybody knows where Shlippendor’s head is at. But nobody knows…Nobody knows what I’m planning to do when I get into office. Nobody will see it coming. No one. Not China. Not Russia. Not Mexico. I’m going to change America and the people know it. The people know it…
Cooper: Now I’d like to take this time to address the American peoples’ greatest concerns with you two. President Shlippendorf, I’ll tackle you first. Polls show the majority of Americans harbor concerns regarding your age. Many claim that the most powerful office in the nation, possibly the world, should demand proof of overt competence and present intellect, two qualities many voters feel you lack due to your age. How do you respond?
Shlippendor: Yes, I’m well aware of people’s concerns. But you know what? I’ll tell you what my grandfather used to tell me. In his day, my grandfather didn’t know much…he was a simple guy. But he’d, he’d put me on his knee, when I was young, and he’d tell me about when he clanked two rocks together over some sticks. Bang! Bang! *said while bunching his hand into fist* He didn’t know what’d happen. He didn’t even know what he was trying to do, but he did it; he set the first fire known to man. You know how? *Shlippendor tilts forward over podium towards camera* Because he had faith. That’s all I’m asking for, and that’s all we really need. The American people just need to trust that the right people are in the right places. Throughout history—I mean in my life alone, I’ve seen Alexander conquer Persia, I saw Jesus get crucified, I fought in our Revolutionary war, I shook Sanatra’s hand back when it used to mean something—and how’d they all do it? How’d people do all these great things? They believed. That’s all the American people have to do, the one thing they gotta do. Believe, and have faith.
Cooper: What do you say to basic competency tests for presidents, or better yet presidential candidates? Moreover, if we have a base age requirement to become president, why not an age limit?
Shlippendor: *Laughs* All I’m asking for is faith.
Cooper: Thank you Mr. President, now onto you Mr. Sneed.
Sneed: Well Anderson, I gotta say, I know a lotta people my age, a lotta people, all very successful, some of the most successful—ever, but I gotta say, a lot of them aren’t as sharp as me. Very few. Very few. I’m…I’m very spry, very young hearted.
Shlippendor:He…There are no people alive left your age.
Sneed: That’s very ironic coming from you Shlip. Very ironic. You and your old wife. The hag.
Cooper: Gentlemen please. Mr. Sneed, it’s common knowledge that you come from a dynasty of big city elites, and have been immersed in the upper echelons of the most privileged, most private sector of the higher class your whole life. Voters are growing concerned that you can’t accurately represent their interests. How do you plead?
Sneed: Well that’s a lie. I can’t believe you’d say that Anderson, I’m a self made man. I’m more self made than you. Awful journalist. Clearly, you have zero integrity. I’m sorry, but it’s true *hand gesticulations* It’s true, and you know it. Zero integrity. Awful work, just awful work—
Cooper: Please, let’s stay on track.
Sneed: Well Anderson, I’m a simple man. A simple man. No different from the rest of you. When I’m down, I buy a McDonalds, just like the rest of America.
Cooper: What do you get at McDonalds if you don’t mind me asking? Big Mac?
Sneed: Excuse me?
Cooper: When you go to McDonalds what do you order?
Sneed: Go to? Order? I just buy the McDonalds. I didn’t know you could get things from them. Remarkable. That’s American ingenuity. That’s what the rest of the world lacks.
Cooper: Do you believe America would benefit from enabling future political leadership from grassroots America through fiscally reasonable education, instead of relying on primarily elite individuals and families with deeply private interests? On that, what about political official investigation and regulation regarding closed door quid pro quos with private groups?
Sneed: Well Anderson, this is the problem we’re facing. People like you are trying to take and take and steal what hard working Americans have worked for. And you know what Anderson? We’re not going to stand for it any longer.
Cooper: And you Mr. Shlippendor?
Shlippendor:…Eugh…McDonald’s? I don’t… *Leaves podium and starts roaming around the stage like a roomba*
Cooper: Fascinating insight, this concludes the first Premature Presidential Debate. Goodnight America, and good luck voters.
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