When I was 10 my mom had me take an online quiz to find out what my “love language” was. I had no idea what a love language even was or why it was important, but as I’ve grown older I’ve found that it is one of the most valuable pieces of self-understanding. Whether we realize it or not, we use our love language to communicate with not only romantic partners, but also as a way of showing appreciation for our family, friends, and peers. Our love language is what truly enables us to feel respected and valued as a person and in a world where everybody speaks different “languages” it is often hard to feel that way. Most people go through their everyday lives forming new connections and strengthening the ones they already have, without any idea of what a love language even is. Undeniably though, it’s just as important for day-to-day communication to know someone’s love language as it is to know the actual dialect they speak.
The fact that the divorce rate in the US is close to 50% for first marriages and even higher for second and third, speaks a lot about the improvements people need to be making in both finding and showing their love. Communication, a key part in showing love and appreciation, or the lack thereof, is at the root of many of our everyday problems. So often, we have a hard time communicating with people, telling them what we want, need, and how we are feeling, but simply by becoming aware of everyone’s love languages, we can often prevent problems from happening in the first place. Researcher of body language, Albert Mehrabian, once dissected a face-to-face conversation and found that communication is only 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words only. With this in mind, it is easier to understand the importance of utilizing more than one love language in our communication. The five love languages, gift giving, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service, are all essentially different ways that people -often without realization- most sincerely show their love as well as receive it from other people. Everyone has a different way that they give and receive affection and appreciation and some have more than one way.
Gary Chapman, a baptist-pastor, first established the 5 different love languages in an insightful book called The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. On the love languages website you can take a personalized quiz to help you discover what your love language is! In my case, I often find myself writing sweet little handwritten notes to my high school boyfriend, or texting my mom little life updates throughout the day. My love language is words of affirmation. I give and receive love most sincerely and effectively, through what I say and when people compliment or congratulate me with nice words. Love Languages are so vital to understand in relationships with your friends, family, partners, and peers. If you struggle with feeling underappreciated or misunderstood, simply knowing your love language or voicing it to another can be all you need to start feeling loved again.
Coming from the perspective of a people pleaser like me, I know how mentally and emotionally draining it can be to show someone love in a “language” that they don’t even know how to “speak.” It’s like you will constantly be putting in effort to show someone you care about them but they will not receive it in the way which you intended. They might not show any love in return or they just may show it in a “language” that you don’t understand well. This cycle will just cause you burnout, frustration, and to feel unloved, which is why it’s important to find people who communicate the same way you do. You may find a peer as uncomfortable to be around or slightly repelling if their love language is physical touch, and you are not the kind of person who enjoys receiving hugs or being touched lightly mid-conversation. However, these kinds of gestures are just their way of showing love and appreciation for you, it’s how they show they like and care about you. This is why it’s important to find and surround yourself with other people who “speak the same language” as you or else you may struggle to feel accepted and important. This can even go for your parents. If your love language is physical touch and your moms is gift giving, then you may rarely receive hugs from her leading you to feel less appreciated than you actually are. Overall, understanding and embracing our love languages is crucial for fostering meaningful connections and avoiding the pitfalls of miscommunication. By recognizing and respecting the various ways people express and receive love, we can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So, let’s strive to speak the same language of love and create a world where everyone feels valued and appreciated for who they are.