By Anisha Narurkar
40 Old Money Street
Washington D.C. 54892
Dublin Federal Correctional Institution Cell #21
5701 8th ST, Dublin, CA, 94568
Dear Ms. Elizabeth Holmes,
My name is Betty, and I am a 13-year-old girl from Washington D.C. (your hometown) who wants to be just like you! I know you are not really a “people person,” but I wanted to send you a thank you letter for being my inspiration. I really hope to follow in your footsteps — attend Stanford, rush Kappa Alpha Theta, start a successful company, and defraud investors out of billions of dollars! You showed me that a woman can lie and cheat people just as well as a man can, and with great hair too!
Other people fail to appreciate how hard you worked for Theranos to succeed. You had to be born to wealthy D.C. politicians, get into Stanford as a legacy despite affirmative action, and even siphon your parents’ retirement funds to start a company. You were just an ordinary girl with a dream and access to millions of dollars, and you managed to make one of the most famous shams of a company in the world! Personally, I am very thankful to finally have some female white-collar criminal representation. You provide inspiration to future capitalist girl bosses looking to exploit consumers everywhere!
Our shared hero Steve Jobs once said, “Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” You truly embodied his values of hard work and integrity in your brave choice to somewhat mislead investors and patients about the functionality of your product. Rather than upset people with the knowledge that your device would not work, you protected their feelings and gave them hope for the future of medicine. If I had cancer and the Theranos test told me I was healthy, I for one would be extremely thankful for the peace of mind — after all, ignorance is bliss! Why would any sane patient prefer a scientifically accurate time-consuming blood test over a slightly incorrect quick finger pinprick?
I recently launched my own product, DumbTech, funded by my parents’ gains in bitcoin. DumbTech is a revolutionary science and technology that I invented, and it has eradicated dumbness. Our patented invisible and wearable patch goes on your forehead and harnesses intelligence from the air around you. No one will ever be dumb again, I can promise you that. The technology may not technically exist (yet), but we all know that the data can be fixed with some quick clicks on a keyboard. If you can raise $9 billion in funding without a functional product, I know I can succeed with a nonexistent one.
I feel sorry to hear that you have been indicted for multiple counts of federal crimes. It is quite unfortunate that an upstanding wealthy white woman such as yourself is actually facing the consequences of her own actions, but I’m sure you will be out of jail soon enough — you only committed a felony. Your trial has been stirring up a lot of people here in DC, which is surprising because we don’t normally have a lot of controversies here. My friends are all saying they are either #TeamHolmes or #TeamTruth, but I don’t see any difference — you are the most trustworthy woman alive, and that is a scientifically proven fact.
I have attached a black turtleneck and eyeliner to this letter because I know how much orange clashes with your skin tone. I think you will fit in very well in jail — the minimalist decor and strict daily routine are so your style! You used to say, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” but I think the more appropriate saying is now, “What would you do if you were already failing?”