Kale, so Stale

By Eric Vallen

Kale, undoubtedly a top three leaf of all time. Of course, nothing can top the almighty lettuce, or even the health-restoring spinach. However, if you can’t seem to get your hands on these rare commodities, Kales serves as an amazing substitute. While it’s counterparts are watery, kale seems as if it grows in a desert. Hint, it does not. Kale leaves hold exorbitant amounts of dryness–eating them raw likely has equal comfort value to that of wharfing down three boxes of saltines. Compounding kale’s culinary charm, cores of kale convey cramped quantities of quality taste. In short, kale has a certain earthy taste: similar to California dirt after three years of drought. Even worse, the taste isn’t faint. It’s strong. You don’t just eat Kale, you get bullied by it while you do. In fact, at base value, kale can’t even be used as a substitute for anything. 

Kale should thank God that humans have brains wired to tasty-ify, or it would’ve been purposefully eradicated millennia ago. Amazingly, but also unsurprisingly, the human genius has managed to create multitudes of recipes for kale. Although these recipes typically fall under the unhealthy category of foods, still, we should applaud their culinary prowess. The world’s greatest chefs have found kale’s place in the world, as a side dish. In fact, as a result of kale being ignored in the past, the leaf now has a certain high end stigma about it. As we know, kale tastes like literal dirt. Yet, because people rarely hear of it, they coo when they see it next to an exorbitant price on the menu. Let’s look at the most egregiously priced kale recipe known to man. 

Kale Chips, what you need:

  • Salt
  • Olive Oil
  • Time

Simple right? Yet a single bag of these chips would cost you over ten dollars. In all honesty, with the amount of salt needed to negate kale’s taste, you might as well just eat normal chips. Besides kale chips, kale’s implementation is seen as a side dish, almost always to a meat, normally steak. Admittedly, kale does serve as an effective palate cleanser for meals like these, but still raise prices a shocking amount, on average around eight dollars per meal. Essentially, kale is the supreme of food. It’s absolutely horrible and vomit-inducing, but because it’s rare, people come to get it. Avoid kale at all costs, for your health.