Celery Sticks

By Eric Vallen

Celery sticks are unparalleled on every perceptible plane. Plain and simple. Typical celery sticks are erroneously fibrous, offering a challenging experience to one’s teeth. In fact, a widely known phenomenon surrounds celery stick consumption, in that the coarse texture molds an eater’s teeth into the absolute perfect shape. Badger’s teeth have been found to grow three inches in length, while infants’ teeth tend to stay in long after eating celery. However, Dr. Fauci, Einstein, Nicolaus Copernicus, and many other so-called scientists claim the opposite. Spewing complete nonsense, they advocate the removal of celery from the gene pool, clearly in violation of the 2020 Paris climate accords. Celery’s fibrous qualities offer elixir-like health benefits, perfecting your smile like a file corrects a fingernail. 

Additionally, celery is the one, only refreshing food on earth. You might say “oh what about Gatorade? Watermelon? Water?” No. Not even water is an equivalent to celery. Celery has more electrolytes than every energy drink, a texture more delicious than that of any plant-based food, and according to unknown sources, more essential to the body than water. In fact, celery is simply the ideal work of nature. Billions of years of evolution have led to celery sticks. With the correct application of celery, humankind has the potential to become god-like, invincible, unkillable beings. 

Okay, in all honesty, celery sticks are not all that, not all that to that extent. They are, in fact, a god send. However they’re not exactly the elixir of life that I am making them out to be. In reality, celery sticks are very high in electrolytes, certain nutrients, and fiber, but besides that, celery sticks are fairly bland. Soaking cardboard in Brita filtered water likely gives the same taste effect as celery sticks. Yet, that is only one recipe. Perhaps there are more.

Indeed. There are more. 

Recipe Number One: The Classic

(One) Celery Stick

(Large dollop) Peanut Butter

Recipe Number Two: Cheese Bacon

(Large dollop) Cream Cheese

(Amount may vary) Bacon

(Amount may vary) Hot Sauce

(One slice) Cheddar Cheese

(One) Celery Stick

Recipe Number Three: Chicken Crab Delight

(Large dollop) Cream Cheese

(Amount may vary) Buffalo Chicken

(Amount may vary) Crab Cakes

(Small dollop) Cranberry Sauce

(Amount may vary) Walnut