Cafeteria Critics

By Jupiter Polevoi

In various high school set movies, you’ll see the classic cafeteria scene usually filled with some sort of “mystery meatloaf” or “unknown goop.” Now that school lunches at Westmont High School are free (thanks Covid-19), many people run to fill the lines at lunch time. In this article, I interview a variety of Westmont students and give you an in depth review of the hot lunch provided. 

Our first participant is clearance dvd collector, Maria Edirisinghe, reviewing the chicken burger. She says, “The best way to describe those chicken burgers is dependable. Although the chicken itself does not taste special in any way, you can count on it to always answer the prayers your hunger is calling for. They fill just the right amount of space in your stomach so that you have enough fuel to make it through the rest of school, but not so much that your body rejects the thought of having another snack. As for the taste, the chicken strongly resembles that of a giant sized chicken nugget. Additionally, the buns on either side of the patty cushion the tops and bottoms of your mouth before each bite. Although I personally think they would be better a bit softer, they do the job. Therefore, the chicken burgers from the cafeteria are more or less satisfactory.”

Our next is Nitro Type connoisseur, Anjali Nayak, who deeply analyzes the pb&j. She says, “Being a critical staple of a typical American childhood, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are almost crucial to a happy teenage life. Thank the heavens above that the Campbell Union School District has bestowed upon the students of Westmont free peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. An extremely underrated component to this delectable delight is the bread. The bread is a little tasteless, but of course, that role is meant to be filled by the peanut butter and jelly. More importantly, the bread is always soft. Therefore you can rely on the perfect bread to use as a conveyor to bring the nut and fruit spreads onto your tastebuds. Although nothing to write home about, you can depend on some good bread. 

The fruit used at Westmont tastes as if they are picked from the top of the tallest Himalaya mountain, grown and nurtured by a group of monks, who are only allowed to do so if they have properly reached enlightenment. The fruit used in the jelly is no exception. Not especially tart or sweet, the jelly is a perfect balance. With undertones of raspberry, the jelly is soft and moist, the perfect companion to both the bread and peanut butter. 

My last point with the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is that the way they cut the sandwiches are not especially aesthetically pleasing. Personally, I prefer a sharp and direct diagonal, 45 degree angle cut. Instead, I am presented with a cut down the middle from top to bottom. I hope you can feel the dismay through my writing. I would give the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a solid 7/10.”

“Professional” shoe shiner Destiny Branch has a short message about the cheeseburgers. She states, “Um…I wouldn’t really call this a cheeseburger…I don’t really know what to call it, really. But, since I’m not paying anything, it’s pretty darn good.”

Next in line is Barbie Movie connoisseur, Gwen Geiman, who delightfully expresses her admiration for the yogurt parfaits. She says, “The yogurt parfaits from the school lunch are an experience that cannot be described to the fullest, they must be experienced firsthand. One thing I can confirm they are, however, is underrated. Everyone always seems to reach for the pizza or chicken burgers, while the parfaits always dwell in the shadows. They come with a cup always filled with a mysterious flavored yogurt and some kind of fruit. The real magic, however, comes with the granola. The granola can either be placed on top of the yogurt or mixed in, but whatever your preference it adds an immense amount of flavor and texture to the overall dish. If you are eating just the yogurt without the parfait, what are you doing? This may be controversial, but without the granola the parfait is barely even satisfactory. The combination of the two, however, with the added freshness of the fruit are really what makes the parfait scrumptious.”

Next we hear from Ian Grosch, our very own homecoming king, who likes dressing as “Tiger Ian,, and Kobe Gong, someone who delights in eating multiple school lunches a day. Here’s what they have to say, “The kale is pretty good,” declares Ian, “Everything else is kind of bad. When they put chicken in it, it kinda tastes…really soggy. It’s very unappealing to my taste buds.”Likewise, Kobe adds that “Cherry tomatoes don’t belong in salads.

Freshman rubber duck collector Hailey Kearns describes her slight disappointment with the drumsticks they offered at lunch. She states, “It was okay. I mean the chicken was pretty juicy, it could have a bit more flavor but for a school lunch I would say 7/10. However, the presentation was not good. I got four cold tater tots, and one drumstick. It was quite a let down.”

Finally, avid royale high player Brian Vallejo talks about his utmost love for the breakfast corn dogs served at break. He expresses, “Ok, let me tell you. I go to the cafeteria to get these scrumptious, delicious, corn dog things that have pancake batter and breakfast sausage on the inside. They also offer this warm, amazing, scrumptious maple syrup thing. And because it is warm it makes it 10 times more delicious.”

If you ever forget your lunch one day or find yourself venturing in the hustling cafeteria lines, I hope these reviews give you an idea on what to get and what not to get.