Kevin Lore

By Eric Vallen

Kevin, a marvelous name. One of the most fabled names in human history. Since ancient times, Kevins have been the primary players and influencers of the path that humanity has taken. Kevin originates from the astonishingly modernized and sociopolitically dominant country of Ireland, a fitting home for such an iconic name. The historic meaning of the word Kevin is essentially  kind, gentle, and handsome, again fitting for many of the people who have been donned the name throughout history, like Kevin Garnett, Kevin Hart, and Kevin Malone. If for some reason you’re unfamiliar with these historical figures, all of the aforementioned demigods have one of the primary principles of Kevin, the first being very gentle, second known for his kindness, and lastly Kevin Malone knows no bounds to his handsomeness. Although all of these figures are household names, you may have noticed that all of them hold no real positions of power in the world. The primary reason for this is that since the dawn of the recorded history of mankind, Kevins have been facing oppression. The world opened up to the Kevins of the world when the Romans came into contact with them in Ireland around AD 150, and from their first contact, the culture of Kevin began to be suppressed. Their kin began to adopt the Celtic Christian church, and for the next seven-hundred years, their homeland of Ireland remained in obscurity. With the turn of the 9th century, Ireland began experiencing the ravaging effects of Viking raids, which led into Nordic settlement of the Irish coast. The Kevin tribe went into hiding for the following three centuries, until which in the late 1150s the power of the Vikings began to wane, leaving a window of opportunity for Kevin and the Irish to rise to prominence. However, their centuries of laying low were to their detriment, and after the Norman invasion of Ireland in 1169, Ireland began a near-eon long oppressive relationship under the English. Although Ireland gained independence from England in 1937, the real breaking point was the start of the Great Irish Famine in 1845. The period of famine from 1845 to 1852 was the lowest point in Irish history, leading to a mass exodus of Irish citizens to the new world. Here we see the real rise of Kevin. Irish communities began to establish themselves within the United States, and after a century of near-relevance, Kevin began to rise exponentially in popularity in 1965. Icons like Kevin Spacey, Kevin Hart, Kevin Durant, Kevin Bacon, and others have all been born during and after this period. With the rise of popularity in the name Kevin, the world has seen the greatest period in the history of humanity. Since 1965, the world as a whole has been more peaceful than it has ever been, population has skyrocketed to numbers unfeasible just a century ago, and standard of living for even the least well off has reached past that of kings of centuries past. However, Kevin peaked in 2013. Although it hasn’t dropped off too dramatically in the eight years since then, what does this drop spell for humanity? Are we reverting back to the dark ages? If the Kevins of the world fall, does the rest fall with it? As a global society, we must strive to maintain and drive a rise in the popularity of Kevin, or we are sure to implode on ourselves, perhaps ending the world in the process.